Resonance

Many times I hear the phrase, "I don't know how you're feeling because I've never experienced that before." The point is, when people like me share, we don't expect you to completely understand. All we really need is a listening ear, someone who will love us. Giving advice can usually backfire cause not everyone is ready for a "solution." On the contrary, it can appear that you don't really want to listen to us and that you're judging.

People, people are hard to deal with. I get that, your best intentions don't always go to plan. You feel that you're helping by giving answers but you're not. Admitting that you can't give answers is going to make the person pouring out his or her heart feel even worse. It's like you don't really get me and I'm just being a burden to you cause you have to figure out how to react and stuff. No, really we, at least I don't need you're solutions. I just need care, love. A word of encouragement, timely, probing questions and key phrases that will make the person feel alright. When people say they don't know what to do to help me, I'm like no, you don't have to do anything. Just listen. I was reading a book the other day about caring for others and the counselor writing the book stated that the best care one can give is a listening ear and that is so so true!

The other day, I was talking to a psychology graduate and she said, "What we need is someone who resonates." In my head, that fired of the green light. Yes! That's it! What we need is someone who goes like "I don't really get you but I'm totally here for you because while I don't completely get your issues, I know that you are going through a difficult time and I understand what difficult times mean." It is really that simple, an ear, an arm and a voice to tell us that its owner is gonna be right there for us. But that's hard, listening is hard. It's a skill. It requires training and full concentration. The key word is training. To help a hurting world, we need to train ourselves to be listeners first instead of just chattering away. Stop and listen. Just stop talking and listen. concentrate and listen. On top of that, it really helps to be consistent. Don't just check up through messages only but also in real life. I've experienced moments when I've had a rough night, talked to someone about it and the next day when I meet the person, the person just acts as if I'm all fine. It sounds demanding but I'll be honest, this is how I operate cause I know that I want that to happen to me too when I'm in need.

So there, a little snapshot of things and listening and resonating. Just some pointers to help you care for people better. Pray, pray for swift ears and a heart of compassion. Never close your heart. Remember that Christ will help you in all circumstances. And also, I believe that whoever you are reading this can become a better companion to someone who needs a listener :)

Dennis

Tug of War

I feel like typing something here. Yet, I don't know. Like I mean it is honestly tiring to type and share yourself on the internet sometimes and yet you want your voice to be heard and yet it's exhausting sometimes. But let's see where this goes.

Alright, so how about the fact that I'm rightnow staring at this computer screen with a very empty feeeling inside. Well, that's a start I guess :/ . So yeah everyone's been commenting thatI've been looking really glum over the last few days. The truth is, I have been very glum. But I don't say anything because there isn't anyone to say anything to. It's like talking to people about your problems can be so exhausting sometimes. It's tiring to share your emotions and yet you want to. It's such a struggle inside. A battle. You want people to know and yet you don't want people to know. You want people to know and to comfort and care for you and then there's also the worry that after sharing, you don't get the comfort and care you expect them to give. That just makes you feel worse. Also you fear that you become "clingy" and "needy" in the person's eyes. You know, you don't want to be a burden.

It's terrible really. Right now, all I want is to snuggle up to someone who will just hold me close and say that "Everything's gonna be alright." and "I'll be here for you always." The thing is, there is no one todo that with. Clearly I'm talking about a guy cause like I feel a little strange to be doing that with a woman? Like I'm a guy so I should be the one who should be supporting the "weaker" sex more than they support me. Not to say that they can't support you but you know that there are somethings women will never understand and your problems can be way too big for them. Sigh. I hate this feeling of emptiness, of loneliness. It's so weird, like I want to act ok so that people won't ask questions and stuff and yet I want people to notice that I'm drowning inside. This is so conflicting.

Then there are people who listen but yet don't listen? Like they provide analyses of things which you know aren't true. All I want really is just a safe space to talk and a listening ear. Yet, I want feedback and still I reject feedback I do not like. Or do I? Maybe I don't actually reject things which I don't like hearing about but I reject them because I know that they aren't true. Like deep down inside you know what they said isn't the right analysis. Cause there are times when I'm talking to people who give sharp analyses which aren't necessarily pleasant and yet it reverberates inside. It's really a knowing. So yeah, I don't reject unpleasant stuff. I just reject them if I know the person is misreading the situation.

I don't know how long these feelings of ambiguity and ambivalence will last. I don't know how long I'll be this down. Only God knows and may He help me.

Dennis

I Love You

Everything was going pretty fine till the 31st of March. Then it all started slipping away. Bit by bit, laugh by laugh, text by text, warmth by warmth. I'll cheris your smile, I'll cherish your laugh, I'll cheris that lame sense of humor of yours, I'll cherish the last hug we had, I'll cherish it all. Even as the frost begins to invade, I'll remember it all. Because I want you but if you want to move on, go. I hope someday you'll know that love lets people go and is not possessive. Love lets people walk away but love continues to keep them in the heart. I love you. I really do. I wish things didn't have to come to this point. I ask myself could I have done more? Could I have done something more or was it because of me things split? I don't know and it hurts you don't know that it hurts. But it's ok. Because I love you, you don't have to know of the pain. You were my new beginning. I don't know where things are now as you push me away. But its ok, if I cause pain, I'll walk away. If I cause trouble, I'll walk away. Cause I love you and I don't need to be a burden to you. I love you very much and I know that in many years to come, you will still be on my mind.

Holding On

I don't know how to start this post. Right now, I'm super hyper. Like seriously pumped. Like come on man! Typing with exclamation marks and lots of emojis. I guess it's one of my coping mechanisms when dealing with great pain and sadness. Cause inside it hurts real bad. Real bad. I keep welling up with tears and it's starting to frustrate me that it keeps happening. It's happened. The subject of the previous poem is walking out and away. It feels like a punch in the gut. I can't describe how I feel except for great grief and sadness. Oh God, it stings, it pierces so deep. My heart is splintered and crushed.

It's so heart wrenching. Ok I probably sound like a completely soppy mess wailing my eyes out. But really, I'm ok because all coping mechanisms activated so it's ok. Suppression isn't very hard for me really. I think because I come across as very emotional and stuff, people think that I'm genuine in how I'm feeling all the time. Nah, beneath all that cream and soft fluffy pillows is an iron wall. I don't like activating the iron wall sequence in my emotions but at times like these I just have to. Bracing and steeling myself. That's the strong part that people don't see. Don't get me wrong here and think that I only suppress and do not interact with my emotions. I do but in privacy. That's why you won't see me howling in front of you usually. Still open for business with a smile. The scary part is that it has become so integral to my character that I don't need to put effort into activating a mask. It's so natural. Scary indeed.

Really, Cinna (from the Hunger Games) and I share the common trait of rechannelling our emotions. While Cinna places it into his work, I channel it into happier, more pleasant emotions. It's a wonder really how I pull it off (self-praise Dennis? *sly face emoji*). But it isn't hard. You know, at the same time, I don't know why but I can feel a sense of real anger deep inside. If I really just let it go, I could really punch up the subject of this grief. But I believe that I cope only because I have God. Best person to sort things out with. Not even kidding. So yeah, I'm grieved, angry, happy and hmm, a little hungry at this hour of the day. =P

Dennis

To Know

Please say more, don't cut me out
Don't close your heart, don't ice away

I want to talk, I really do
But it hurts when I say much
But get little

You stay silent, quiet, not even a whisper
I can no longer muster an initiation

Those special chimes, that flash of blue
It can only be a message from you
Swiftly glancing

A little hello, official stuff
I answer concealing my distasteful gruff

But it still shows through
But I know you won't catch it
You're oblivious

Three exchanges and you're off
I want to talk more, I want to chat

But I can't make myself do it
Cause what if a wall is returned?
Hurting even more

It's painful that things stay like this
I tear up, my vision turns to mist

I guess it means I really love you
That's why it stabs like that
Do you know?

But you don't know
And I don't know how to say

Cause I'm afraid you'll give the same shrug
You'll say all is good and right
That hurts more

I'm shrinking back into darkness, coldness
Because of your shoving

Running back to a bleak cave
Hiding, protecting myself
Trying to

But I know it won't work
I care too much

You'll always be in my heart
Even if all grows dark
I won't forget

You'll end up on that list too
Just like the others

Cause I love real deep
And hurt just as much
May things change

Barely Breathing

I don't know. I don't know what to do, how to feel, how to behave, how to handle things. My mind is literally in limbo and everything is in gridlock. I'm so angry, sad, confused, scared, and just so frustrated. Things are weighing down so hard. It's really like everything in me is stuck. I'm really at that stage where I can just scream so loud. Internally I'm already doing that. Sometimes, there's really no one to hear. I mean who do you talk to if it involves the people you would talk to over such stuff? I don't know. Everything inside is so cooked up, so gggaaaahhhh!!!! I don't even know what to say! I'm so lonely. I'm so so lonely. My chest is hurting physically due to this internal storm. Yes, it's that bad. I don't know. Just so down and crushed.

Restaurant Musings

One of the nicest things is watching fathers and sons eating together in a restaurant. I mean the kind where you can see that both guys genuinely enjoy each other's presence. It does not necessarily involve alot of talking but you can see that they're really chilling together, the men of the house together. That must be nice.

Watching these kind of occurrences is quite a bitter-sweet experience for me. It gives me joy watching a healthy relationship between the men of the house. On the other hand, it makes me feel that bit more worse that I don't have that. Also, it makes the loneliness of eating alone greater.

I guess I'll just have to remember that I have a good Father in heaven who loves me.

That's all for now,

Dennis

Small Thoughts

Life has been pretty average recently. Some bumps along the way but nothing major enough to trigger off a post here. Or at least when it was "big" I was either too lazy to write or had no access to this blog. Well, I don't want to suddenly disappear here so I'm writing this little post here. :)

I guess the things that have been on my mind have been exams. They're coming up in about a week and a half. I feel so unprepared for them. I just keep telling myself that I just need to pass. It's my first year examinations for my degree. The grades don't contribute much to my final degree classification but obviously I don't want to just pass. However, if I make it across the bar, even if just, I would be happy... very because many people fail their papers and so a pass across the board will be very much appreciated Jesus.

Kit Soon has been so warm and fuzzy that I'm so happy and maybe a little delirious. Just kidding. But he's been so nice and I feel our relationship has been growing. Previously, it kind of hit a little plateau. Then again, I always overthink and read into things (Don't judge me guys) so maybe we weren't exactly on a plateau. However, i would say that he's been much more responsive than previously and that's great. Less stoic. Keep it up man! We need to find time to go out and have bro time. After your exams Dennis, after your exams.

Just been listening to Colbie Caillat's version of "Here Comes the Sun." So many video ideas for that song. The strange hanging chord (a minor I think?) is placed so strategically that it's so punchy and so nice. Her voice has this sweet gentle flow to it that the guitar and the rhythm. Too good guys, too good.

There's actually something that is happening that I can't say here for the sake of privacy. Not that I don't trust you guys but I really cannot say la. Cause if I do, I will mess it up. Also it's not my thoughts and so it'll be breaking trust. Haiyo Dennis then why you tell us? Well, I'm putting it here so that in future I can refer here and say I told you so! So on the 22nd of April 2016, I Dennis Tay am putting a certain "thing" here that I may have proof regarding it. I'll codename the secret as "Village to Arno." You'll thank me for this someday future Dennis!

That's it guys! It'll probably be another 3-4 weeks before I get to post another entry. But please stay tune. I've got ideas on what to write just really busy. Sorry. I promise I'll be back here as soon as possible. :)

Till next time!

Dennis

Fears, Failures and Experts

One of my greatest fear is showing off my rudimentary knowledge/skills in the presence of "experts." Every time I know a professional is in proximity, that's it, zipped lips and plastered smiles. It's a curse really. Some may say that it's due to my "performance-orientated" mindset. Hence, this leads me to a fear of making mistakes. I would say that it was never my making to be performance-orientated. On the contrary, it has been something that has been ingrained into me throughout my teen years. The fear of making mistakes stems from my class. Having witnessed and experienced the bashing, ridicule and scorn one faces from both the students and teacher when one makes an error, the fear of stepping out of line is very real.

I'm trying, really trying to breakout of this fear. It's hard because the world isn't very forgiving. Outside of school, there have been many times when I feel "ridiculed" for making a mistake. I believe the person did not mean it that way but because of this past, I perhaps interpreted things differently. For this reason, I keep mum whenever I know a more knowledgeable or skilled person is in range. "Don't make a fool of yourself Dennis!" I tell my self constantly. "Listen first." The bad thing is that sometimes due to this, I keep silent even if I know or have a rough idea for the fear of being shot down even when it's "my time to shine." Again, perhaps I'm over thinking things. Maybe I was never really shot down. Just that when I'm crossed over, I always, always feel very judged by the surrounding people. My perception. It's just me. Like geez, this is though. Breaking free from this mentality is hard.

The other reason that perhaps I don't say anything is because I don't feel good enough. Even in my area of "expertise," trains. When I'm in the presence of other train-geeks or spotter, I nod my head and listen. Perhaps it's the notion that I'm not good enough. That in reality, I'm just a runt. I know nothing. A good time to apply "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry"? But there really needs to be a balance to my silence. I don't think I really know nothing. It's just the fear of being judged by people and being ridiculed. The good thing I guess is that it makes me read up more that I might be as "pro" as the true professionals? An indication of performance-orientation? Perhaps. As I look at it, it reminds me to never just shoot people and ridicule them. You can never, never tell the mark your words will leave on a person.

Of course, this doesn't mean I don't goad into people like Kit Soon. The relationship is there so it's alright to "kacau" (disturb) people like him from time to time. Even then, it's in good camaraderie. But sometimes it still can be taken the wrong way. For that reason, emojis are so important in messages. I cannot stress the importance. Anyway, One thing that I try not to do is to push people away from me due to my "smartness." As a cell leader and even just as a Christian friend to another Christian, one of my major concerns is to appear "super-spiritual" that it pushes people who are not on the same level of faith away from me. That it makes them feel like they'll never be able to be that good. Or that it disconnects them because I always have an answer... a spiritual answer. Even when I facilitate Bible studies, I say things like, "Guys, this is a non-judgmental zone." I want people to be able to bring what they have to the table no matter how small. Everyone matters. I believe that experts need to realize this, that they can appear to be above. It's important to be human too. 

I hope that I will always.. prayerfully I will always be able to meet people at their level and lead them to a higher floor. That I will be able to meet people at their point in their journey and walk beside them. Well I'm glad that my unpleasant experiences have made me aware to such issues. I always believe that whatever we go through never, ever goes to waste. It's just how we choose to react. Do we hurt people as hurt people do or do we use our hurt to nourish another person's life? Whether we grow bitter or more loving? That's the power in our hands. "It's not easy," that's one of my favorite phrases but it's true. For that reason, we need Jesus in everything. As spiritual an answer it may seem, it's the truth and I don't know how else to put it. He has been my sustenance and I know He will be yours too if you allow Him. I know He's helping me with this fear and day by day it'll diminish. It's a work in progress but I'll get there someday.

Till next time!

Dennis

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 
who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Shadows

Yesterday, while I was driving in the car. My FM radio was on. Now, I rarely switch my radio to FM mode but usually have a CD (yes, I still buy CDs, I'm that old-school) running. So as I changed radio channels, I heard the end of this song playing: 

It hit me hard cause I've been having thoughts about this aspect of life. It summed up the cry of the hearts of many, many people. "Can you love me? Even though I'm like that? Even though with this as my past?" It really struck a chord within my heart. If there is anything that the last 2 years being in KL has taught me is that many people have a past. Painful, shattered lives; crushed and broken hearts; debris lying on the ground. Well for me the context would be my friends. It's probably easy to accept someone whom you don't know very well, at least for me, because one hardly knows the person. On the contrary, if it's someone close to your heart like a cell member or good classmate it can be tougher. Perhaps there is the thought that why didn't you tell me before? Have you been lying to me all this time by just saying everything is alright when it's not? I think it's probably I feel that you've just been deceiving me by not stating who you really are. It's even worse when I have to keep asking before the truth surfaces."Wow Dennis, so understanding." I mean hey, I'm being real about how I feel but I do understand that trust takes time to build. That's the initial feelings but after that, "You sit down now and we are going to work this out cause I love you so much! Do you know that?"

I was pondering on the ability to love such people and I know I really, really want to. I really want to "remind them who they really are" and help them find their way back to Christ or to Christ. Inside, I know that the love that I have towards such people is not mine. My love is selfish and is only doled out to people who are "perfect" and "deserving" of it. But this love is different. It's a love that is wild, free and raging. A love that seeks to fight through the darkness and bring light. Every time someone tells me of the things they wrestle with, I feel this huge wave of love just sweeping forth from me that I know cannot be mine. It can only be the Father's love. Loved people love people. I've experienced the love of God directly and through other people, how can I hold it back from other people? You know, I'm a looper, when people tell me about what they go through, I think over and over about them. I really care.

My greatest fear is that my friends will always feel that they have no one to turn to in the midst of their circumstances. I hope that they know that they can trust me. I hope that they know that I'm for them. I hope that they know that I believe in them. I hope they know that if they're struggling with anything I will be there to help them. I hope they know that my life isn't as happy or perfect as it seems and I understand, I understand how they feel. I hope they know that if they're drunk, they can call me at the wee hours of the day and I WILL GO FETCH THEM! I hope they know that when they're about to sin, if they know that they're being tempted to do something they are not supposed to do, they can call me too, at anytime of the day. I hope they know that they can call me at 3 in the morning when something bad happens. I hope they know that when they've messed up, they can call me. Should they be unable to call, I hope they know that they can send me a message.... or many, many messages.

I hope that at the end of the day, they know that they have redemption in Jesus. I hope they know that they can never go to far to cause God to stop loving them. No depression, drug usage, sexual misconduct, self-mutilation, suicidal thoughts, pornography is gonna stop God loving them and I hope that through my life they will be able to experience God's love. "No sin, no shame, no past, no pain can separate me from Your love; No height, no depth, no fear no wrath, can separate me from Your love." Nothing absolutely nothing. God is here for you and I'm here for you. Don't push Him out, don't push me out. For goodness sake, tell me and DON'T WAIT FOR ME TO ASK! I may be an observant person but I don't always pick things up. It's OK to initiate the conversation first! God wants to journey with you out of these things, I want to journey with you too. Let us help you. Please. You are never ever a burden.

I won't run away.
I promise to stay.
You are worth a lot to Christ and me.

Dennis

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,
That whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16

A Needle in a Haystack

"Who am I?"," Am I a man?", "Am I good enough?", these are some questions I ask myself many times. Through different situations and times, these questions surface, making me query myself and everything I believe myself to be and sell myself as. They answers can be hard hitting and painful. The reason is simply because, the answers usually are, "I don't know", or a weak "Yes" or a strong "No." To some, these indicate a weak, insecure person. They are not wrong. What am I looking for you ask. I am looking for my identity.

I struggle. I struggle with the feeling that I really am no one. Does it matter? Well the good Christian answer would be a firm "No, my identity is in Christ." But I do mind. I mind it quite badly. Sometimes I can cling on to that and sometimes I can't. Perhaps it reveals the human nature of myself whereby I want to control my life. I want to be a someone. I want to be respected for things that I can do. Or do I? As I sit here contemplating these things, I wonder is this just it? Is that the reason? Is that the root cause? No, I think not. The root, the base, the truth of it all, I believe, is that I just want to be accepted as a man. I am a man but I just never feel good enough or adequate enough. As a male, I feel like hopeless failure. I'm lazy, self-centered, and fearful. Joy, so manly indeed. I can't do anything that I'm supposed to do right. Heck, I don't even get bothered with my car. In the first place, I don't even know how to define manliness. I see it in other man but I can't put my finger on what makes them manly. I can't grasp the thing I see in them that I know I do not have. Indeed, I feel like a shell, appearing nice on the outside but empty on the inside.

Deep down inside, I know what I need. I need to be affirmed as a man that I am a man by a man. Does that confuse you? here, let me repeat it. I (Dennis, a man) need to be affirmed by another man that I am a man. The issue here is masculinity. Am I masculine enough? Do I have what it takes to be a man? You see, masculinity is passed from one man to another. It cannot be created or taken on any other way.  In comes my problem. I try. I try to build a certain masculinity based on what I observe and read... and it fails to hold. That's not how it works. I can't conjure it up. But here I am, trying so hard to find my identity as a man, trying to find the masculinity that I lack but to no avail. It doesn't help that I get comments from both genders that I'm not tough enough while getting my failures pointed. Not that I mind being told my failures. I appreciate honesty that I may improve but being scorned on... it's hard. It's so so hard. I'm trying guys, I'm trying but it feels like there's no one to help me, no one to guide me. I feel so lost. Am I chasing something elusive?

So what is the resolution? I honestly don't know. Many times I feel like I can't make this side of me work and solve my failures till the point that God is fed up with me and has given up on me. I've exhausted His patience for me. It's probably the devil whispering lies but it does hit very hard home. However I cling on to the Bible's continually proclamation that God is great in mercy and He never gives up on us. There are times when it gets though to believe that but perhaps this is where faith comes in. I need God to build this side of me, other men to affirm me and both need to give me guidance. It sounds weak but this is what I believe very much that I need. What am I looking for? I am looking for my heart. I am chasing it down. But it is hard. Very hard. But I have a God. A big, strong, manlier-than-all-men-put-together God. And He is on my side.

Dennis

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, 
Slow to anger, abounding in love.

Psalms 103:8

The Last Moments

14 minutes and I'll be a twenty year old man. I don't feel twenty at all. Gosh I don't know... but so long teen years and hello twenties!

Saying Goodbye to a Decade

It's my birthday soon (I'm not hinting anything!). Yes, it's my birthday soon and then I turn twenty. Twenty? I've lived so long already? Has it really been 2 decades already? Wow, time sure flies. I mean I'm in my last days as a teenager. A teenager? I'm not gonna be one anymore? I'm going to have to be a big boy now and grow up and do my own laundry and sweep my room and earn my own money? Just kidding, I already do my own laundry and sweep my own room. Earning my own keep won't be for awhile though. I've still another 2 years of education ahead before I get my degree. But yeah, I'm turning twenty. It scares me cause it'll be the closing of my days as a wild and free teenager while a new chapter opens up. Not that I was that wild and free, I was well trained by my mother :) (bragging again Dennis).

Yesterday in cell, Wai Nyan, who was leading word asked a question. It went, "What have you worked hard and long for and have achieved/received it?" It got me really thinking, "What have I done in my life so far, these last close to twenty years?" I couldn't really give an answer. I haven't really worked hard at much or for a long period of time. There were stories of marathons, 4.0 CGPAs, sports achievements, acing exams etc... Me? None. I have no certificate, no medal, no name to a record, no exam I've worked my guts out for. Nothing. What have I been doing? I think in a sense I'm quite an underachiever. Is that self pity? Maybe but I'm being honest as I reflect. Yeah, I don't think I've really achieved much in my life. When it was my turn to share, I told them a small fraction of ODDI (owh-dee). It's my observation and analysis "programme" in my mind. It stands for Observation, Deduction, Detection & Impression. (I'll tell you guys more about it someday. Soon probably, just be patient ya.) It pales however in comparison to everything else that was said. But it's ok. I mean it's a "programme" that's still being constructed. I'm still "building" it through my observations and readings. It will never be a "finished programme" but I guess as I said previously, I care for people and it's through this I can better care for others. 

I think the reason that I haven't really 'achieved" anything is because my goals are in terms of years and tens of years. My goals include getting married and building it into a strong one, owning my own home where I can entertain guests, raising a strong, loving family and training my sons to be upright and godly men. Yup, my goals are very long term so it will take awhile. Preparation starts now. For example, I do read up on parenting and marriage. I think through situations that may never happen or will only happen many years from now and how to handle them. Then again, do I really need to achieve something to make myself feel good about myself. I think as long as my achievements do not define who I am then it's ok. It's ok to have dreams and goals but not let those things be the determinants of my self worth. My identity is in Christ, I must remember that. The other thing is that I lack tenacity. I am not a strong-willed person. Maybe some times I am, depending on how you define strong-willed *awkward grin*. It's something I have to build, determination and tenacity. Perhaps if I look at my friends and the stories they have shared, I will be able to learn and define tenacity and determination a little better and work towards them. It's pretty manly I think to have those characteristics. Yeah, I should and must integrate these two characteristics into my life.

The last few days of my adolescent years are nigh. Just reflecting on them, well the earlier chunk of it, probably 11-17 are probably heartbreaking but as I look at the last 2 years, at the ages of 18 & 19, I see a glimmer of hope. Perhaps life is just getting started for me. Perhaps my teen years were to shape and propel me to something greater in the next decades of my life. I don't know, only time will tell. The emptiness, the pain, the loss, the gain, the joy, the fun, well it can be sealed and done. 10 years, labelled the growing 10s. Finally can be brought to a close. packaged and considered closed. A chapter ends, a new one starts. A new one with hope that seems to gleam in the horizon. So goodbye my teens and hello the next decade. I wonder if it'll be the "Roaring Twenties." Well only God knows. It's amazing how He has sustained me the last twenty years. It's truly amazing that I, in the first place, that I am alive. I can't wait to see what He'll write in this new chapter. He's placed in great friends and brothers in the ending of the last and as far as I see it it'll be a deepening of these relationships. There's so much to look forward to in life too. One thing I know though, that as long as God writes the story, it'll be exciting.

Till next time!

Dennis

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; 

And lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Hollow

Cell is over. Everyone has left and I'm alone in the living room again. It's so quite. The room feels so hollow. The noises, the voices, the laughter, the banter, the smiles, it's gonna have to wait awhile cause I'll only see them one week later. One week! Do you know how long that is? I miss them already. Has 4 hours of cell gone by already? The chill slowly invades my heart, the silence sits like a low and heavy cloud. I'm feeling lonely. 

I don't have many friends. I have many acquaintances but I have very few friends. These are my friends, my family here in Kuala Lumpur (KL). It's terrible that I only get to see them once a week for only 4 hours. I miss them so bad through out the week. Sigh, it's even worse when they leave so fast after cell. It's like I don't have time to even talk to them or to just be in their presence. I feel it even more when my bros, Kit Soon and Wai Nyan leave. Just gone like that. Maybe I'm being a bit emotional and possessive. I know it's late and it's close to twelve midnight and people have classes and work to go to tomorrow. The considerate side of me is saying that they need their sleep. On the other hand, the selfish side of me screaming out for them to stay and keep me company. Am I being selfish in the first place? What if it's because certain of my own emotional need are not being met, causing me to feel so down and "desperate" in a certain sense. 

I've always been the social out cast in school. It was tough. I never could fit in and I never had that group of friends that everyone has and hangs out with, what more an inner circle? It took a heavy toll on me because I'm a person who is pretty deep and who shares deep personal stuff and observations. I mean I can be shallow but not for too long. After coming to KL it's like now I have friends! And a group of really close guy friends! Like wow man! As I dig deeper into these feelings, perhaps because of what has happened, how tough it was to gain friends, I now am pretty clingy with my current group of friends. This is bad. I mean till today I still find it hard to make friends. Sometimes I feel that I don't quite fit in and am socially awkward with my cell mates. Perhaps it is a matter of perception. Also as I said earlier, perhaps the social need of bonding is not being met. Cell is just too short a time to just, get close and stuff.

They say we have a God shape void. Am I mistaking this void to be the lack of friends? I don't know. I don't think so. Perhaps I need to remind myself that I am not alone and that Christ is always with me. I mean it is hard cause His presence isn't a physical one but I think it's in a sense an exercise of trust and faith. Maybe this feelings of yearning and pining for them are actually God given and beautiful. The longing for a group of people who truly care for you, who will point you to God, rebuke you when needed and love you. Also, I think I have to shake this feeling that I'm lonely and that there's no one around and just revel in the time we get to share with one another. Friendships with people have always been hard for me. People don't really realise it cause I'm this warm, happy person all the time but it is a struggle. However, God has sent me these amazing people into my life. Also, the fact that I'm able to make friends with these people, surely it must be of God. Just trusting Him that He will work things out and bring me the right people is something I should remember to do. Then, then I believe life will not be so hollow.

Till next time!

Dennis

Just Some Thoughts

Ok, so there's just been so much on my mind and stuff and I have so much to say and I wanna say it but it's all in my head and I don't know how to pen (or type them down for that matter) and I'm feeling kerfuffled and stuff and... and.. and.... Phew... breathe Dennis, breathe... inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale... Oi! Not so fast, do it slowly, try again. Innnhhhhaaaalllllleeeee, eeeexxxxxhhhhhaaaallllllleeeee... ah much better ok let's get started.

The last few weeks has been quite the emotional rollercoaster. So many things have been happening or had been happening without me knowing and know it's like things have popped up. Heartbreak and ache, feelings (the lovey dovey kind), uncertainty, frustration and apathy. Well not that it's all my emotions, it's just that my empathy enabling me to feel what my family/friends are going through. Maybe it's my "fault" for getting enthralled in all of these but I guess it's my way of caring. I sometimes feel like a signalman, seeing the big picture and where all the trains are and pulling levers and pushing buttons to keep the system running. It's hard to explain on a screen but truly it does feel that way. It can get tiring at time but I care for people that way so I don't complain.

Of everything thing that has been bothering or at least was bothering me was *drumroll* *cymbal crash* my friend Kit Soon. Now we're pally and stuff but over the last five months, his messages on Whatsapp has been becoming shorter, lacking as many emojis, or lacking in existence and it sometimes comes across as apathetic and a disinterest. KIT SOON! WHY? *sad face cry emoji* I mean we're pretty pally... ok maybe more than pally... He's definitely the closest guy friend I've ever had and I consider him my best friend. The greatest fear is that I, as a 180cm, 60.2kg guy, is appearing to throw myself at him. I mean I honestly love him a lot (oooo shay Dennis *sly side look emoji*) no, no nothing erotic if you're thinking of it that way *angry face emoji*. I really, really do love him as my own brother. I've never had a brother and always wanted an older one and like finally I have one. yes, I have told him so but I never really got a reply as to where he defines the relationship and it is eating into me so much! I was so so afraid that I was annoying him with me... But the other day, I did ask if he was alright and if I was annoying him and he replied that when he knows people are busy, he tend to restrain his messages. Phew, ok that helps explain a lot. He's been busy with exams and I'm prepping for mine so that's pretty settled. I just hope the relationship grows strong and doesn't die. Sometimes I feel so lost as to how to proceed cause like I've never really had any real guy friends. Just commit it to Jesus, Dennis, just commit it to Him. Ok settled.

I'm the kind of guy who has problems but will try to hold the fort by himself while helping others hold theirs too. I mean are there things i struggle with? Definitely. But I don't say... at least not to many people cause like my issues are huge honey, HUGE! And sometimes it gets frustrating that the people I open up to don't always "help" me. Maybe it's my own expectations that I need to get a hold on. But you see, for me, once you've shared, I will check with you on how things are and stuff. Maybe it's also because I've only really shared with guys... specifically two and well guys don't really check on people but if you need them they'll be there. It would be nice though if they could interact with the emotions from time to time and check on me. It can feel draining to open up and not get back anything in a certain sense. Probably for one I'm a brilliant concealor (self praise again Dennis) and so people don't see when I'm struggling. One thing though is that my motto for life is "People above self". I always put people on priority and so I put myself in the shadows. But it's ok. Love comes at a cost? I have to think more on that.

Well that's all for now, oh and a friend stumbled on my blog. So Flo, if you are reading this, do not, I said DO NOT say anything to anyone... specifically Kit Soon! XD But maybe someday... maybe someday he'll see what I think of him...

Dennis

The Silent Keeper

Yesterday I drove to the park near my house to exercise. "You could have just walked there Dennis if you wanted to exercise!" Well it's quite far to walk cause like there's quite a number of slopes to navigate to get to it. *awkward smile with sweat emoji* Anyway, I got there and as I was warming up, I could feel some rain drops on my arm. So, I hopped back in my car to wait out the rain. It sort of drizzled then stopped, then drizzled again, then stopped, and started again; it was like the weather couldn't decide what it wanted to do. Now while waiting, I saw this guy. Now he's Caucasian, I think younger than me and has a little brother. I'd reckon him to be in his mid to late teens while his brother is about 9-10ish, but let us get back to the older brother. I know his schedule, every Tuesday he will go to the park from 5-6pm to exercise and boy can he exercise. He is way way advanced in terms of what he can do on them bars. 

There was once when I drove by the park in driving rain and I saw him still straining on the pull up bars in the open. From this experience, I knew that the impending rain would not stop him from exercising. Immediately, I whipped out my phone to read up on first aid for lightning strike and shock victims. That way, should anything happen to him, I would know how to help him. Then it started to pour, really pour. I need to remind you dear reader that I live in Malaysia, a nation with a tropical climate with really heavy downpours. Soon I saw his little brother run off in the direction of their home but I did not see him follow. I tried to see if I could catch a view of him, but I couldn't. Thinking that he had sat down on one of the benches in the open, I started my car, made a U-turn and found a parking spot right nest to the park, ready to offer him shelter in my car even though he would be dripping wet. Lo and behold, he was doing crunches. So I let him be. One thing I did however was that everytime there was a flash of lightning, I would check to see if he was alright. In my mind, I was ready to drag him to safety and call the emergency services should anything occur. At one point, he was doing push-ups and a lightning bolt struck nearby. The subsequent loud crash caused him to loose his balance. I was stunned. Was he alright? He caught his breath and went back to his set. Oh, he's ok. I watched him till he finished his workout and left. All the while, he never realised that there was someone watching out for him ready to step in the moment he needed help.

After that, I felt God gently pointed out to me these observations. A lot of times in life, we struggle on our own (exercising), pushing on even in the midst of the storms of life (rain/lightning) and wondering, if not screaming out due to the lack of support and people. Interestingly, we do this all the while oblivious to the fact that there is someone watching over us and ready to step in at the first hint of trouble. That someone is God Himself. How oblivious we are that we are never alone in life's struggles. How many times we do not realise that He is there right next to us. At the same time, that someone could be a friend who truly cares for us. When we think that nobody on earth cares for us or is there for us, we may fail to notice the watchful pair of eyes over us.

Knowing that the maker of the universe watches over me and keeps me is such a comfort. How small am I, and yet, and yet He is here to guide me and keep me safe. Wow, just wow. At the same time, just as God watches out for me, I try to do that for others. I check up on them, I ask people how they are, and stalk their social media accounts, ready to render assistance when they need it. I like to see it as I'm like an eagle ready to swoop in and care for others. Just as I know I have a big eagle up there, with all my capacity as this frail, and small eagle, I will do my best to love and care for others.

Till next time!

Dennis

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7

Steel Magnolia

I've been told before that I'm too strong for myself. I was honestly shocked when I was told that. Considering the fact that this was said to me by a trained counselor, it must hold weight somehow. Contrary to that, I have always thought that I'm fragile. I get hurt easily and crushed at remarks. I don't shake things off easily. At least not as easily as I would like to be able to. As I reflect and think through these things, I come to the conclusion that I'm not as strong as people think I am and at the same time, I'm not as weak as people think I am.

I'm an ENFJ. What's that you say? An eeee-nuuuhhh-fffuuurrhh-jjeeehh? No, no, an E-N-F-J. It's my personality type according to the Meyers-Briggs personality test. ENFJ stands for Extravert, Intuitive, Feelings, Judgement. The thing about people like that, apparently, is that they have very thing psychological boundaries. This means that people with this personality get hurt easily, be it through commissions or omissions. Thinking back through past experiences... hurtful past experiences, I do get hurt easily. It's hard because generally speaking, guys call each other all kinds of names, usually in a joking manner but I TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! I mean why would you call someone something hurtful, even if it was meant as a joke? For this simple reason, I was shunned a lot by other guys because I would cry when these were said. This also led to even more hurtful names and labels like "girl" and "sensitive." Till this very day I still feel very judged and condemned at times with the things I say and do. For survival, I had to put up barriers. I had to create defense mechanisms to protect myself from being hurt. At least walls that would enable me to look fine till I could find a quite corner and just weep. As a result of this pain, I find it very tough to say anything crushing to anybody, Even constructive comments I make are rewritten and edited countless times before I send it to anyone. I just can't, as "normal" guys would put it, "shoot only." I can, I have this very destructive side of me but I can't, my personality and experiences usually out weigh the want to cut down. Just never upset the balance though. This is just one aspect of my weakness. I would sum it up that I am a weak person when it comes to myself.

Even with these internal crumblings, I don't mention them to anyone for the fear of being further judged or a burden. I have had to be strong in that sense, to hold my ground by myself. But more than that really, I can be strong for other people. If you need me, I will be there. I am that kind of friend who will drive in the middle of the night, though the driving rain and traffic (if there is traffic in the middle of the night =P) just to get to your home and comfort you. I would say that when you've experienced pain and loneliness, you never want anyone to have to feel the same thing. I can be a rock for other people. Strangely, when I help people in this sense, I get ministered to too. I find that God tends to impart something or speak into me whenever I am there for people. Yes, I am strong. I will be your support system in the toughest times.

It's been two and a half years since I was told that I'm too strong. Since then, I've opened up to people... at least beginning to open up. The two specific people would be the two very awesome guys Wai Nyan and Kit Soon. It's nice to know that should anything happen, I know I have these two guys who have my back. From this experience, I want others to have this comforting knowledge too that at least there will be at least one person for them at all times. I'm still figuring out this balance between being vulnerable and strong. Are the aspects I'm discussing noncomparable and different? I don't know. I guess I'm using multiple definitions and lumping them together. As I said, I'm still figuring this out but I know that a very good start has begun. I think a major take away from this would be that I am weak fro myself but i am strong for others. I'm just trusting God with this. I'm still figuring out myself but I know that whatever God has in store, it will be very good.

Till next time!

Dennis

A Parent's Artpiece

Being a parent is not easy. Not because of the amount of work and energy you need to take care of them but because of what you do with their lives, the people one shapes them to become. Of course energy and work is hard, but harder still is teaching a child the ways in which he or she should walk in. It's like slowly and lovingly creating a masterpiece stroke by stroke. The different colors and strokes all come together to form a beautiful artwork. The challenge is that every child enters he world as a blank sheet of paper. What the end picture looks like is in a certain sense thought out by the artist.

This blank sheet of paper has so much potential but the number of hours and effort needed to turn it into something beautiful is staggering. Every brush stroke, every twist of the handle forms another aspect of the child. But people being imperfect do make mistakes, accidentally damaging or staining the picture as they go along. Parents similarly make mistakes. These errors, if dealt with swiftly could be erased. However, there are some mistakes which are so damaging that they leave a mark on the artwork forever. These mistakes are both commissions and omissions. A stroke may go wrong both unintentionally and intentionally or neglect may cause the artwork to deteriorate. 

When I think of the responsibilities that parents hold, it scares me and yet leaves me in wonder. How one brings up a child determines the person he or she will become. Some may beg to differ as children do go astray from how their parents have brought them up to be. But a I listen to people share, I realise that even this "going astray" has to do with parents. From parents being overly strict, leading to rebellion, to parents not teaching their children about life, causing these young ones to make bad choices in life. I ask myself, would I be able to bring up my children well in future. Will I be able to ensure that they live lives that glorify and honor God? It's times like these that I feel so small and inadequate.

So how? How then can I ever be a parent? How can I teach my children about life and live out a good example? It''s tough.... very, very tough. But this I know, God's grace is sufficient. If I allow God to hold my hand as I paint, if I let God dictate how the artwork should look like, I know all will be well. When I make mistakes, I know my God will be able to help me rectify it. Every child is a blessing from Him. Every little baby is a gift. I know that God will give me the wisdom and knowledge to in a certain sense "handle/operate" His gift, my child/children will grow up alright. Most importantly, I need to continue putting God first and allowing Him to work in my own life now. As He shapes me to be the man He intends me to be, I know that it will be alright. I will be able to create a masterpiece glorifying my Maker. :)

Till next time!

Dennis

Something Beautiful

So yesterday was Valentine's day (I'm writing this on the 15th of February, 3.55pm GMT+8). It's always frustrating and annoying scrolling through social media on the days leading up to and the day itself. You'll read single people demeaning couples and promoting why being single is great, or people bemoaning their "single" relationship status. Sometimes, you also a "taken" person belittling single people. like come on humans?! Really? Like really? Geez man, if you're taken, you're taken, if you're single you're single! i don't understand why you have to make such a big fuss over... being hitched or not. 

Me? Well, I'm single, a bachelor. I love being single. I enjoy time by myself and doing things as a single person, without any relationship "commitments in that sense. But don't get me wrong here, I do want to get married. I do want to find that special someone to spend the rest of my life with and lavish all my love on. I do dream of waking up to a beautiful woman in my arms every morning. That very special woman. I can't really use words to describe exactly how I feel but it's a warm gushing kind of sensation. There is a tinge of excitement to it too. So yeah, even though I'm not dating now, I'm not desperate for someone to complete me. i think the issue is that a lot of people feel they need someone to complete them. I think that's wrong. You are complete as a person, but when you get married, it is the fusion of 2 complete being becoming a new and special person. :)

For now I see my days as a single man prepping for marriage and life as a husband and father. For example, I'm working out to build a body that is strong and big that my wife can snuggle up to every night, arms that will make her feel safe and legs that will be able to carry her. Also, I'm working out to build a figure my wife can be proud of. Now, I'm not saying that you need to look good for your spouse to feel proud of you. Character must always come first. The looks come as a topping. Speaking of character, trying to deal with my own issues and flaws before marriage, at least most of them cause you can't change that fast or easily. =P I'm also trying to clear my own baggage. One problem is that each person expects their spouse to help them carry their baggage without realising that their partners have personal baggage too. This leads to arguments as expectations are not met. I don't want that to happen hence I have started to sort out my problems. 

Marriage is something beautiful but working towards a beautiful marriage takes time. In fact, I believe it begins before we even meet that special someone. As God uses situations in life and people shape our lives, I believe it all does get us ready for matrimony. The change doesn't finish before marriage. It still goes on after marriage but knowing that God has a hand in it and keeping Him at the center of the relationship makes the transitions and change comforting I believe. Now don't get me wrong and think that marriage is the ultimate goal in life. It is not but it is one of the milestones and if not in a sense "accomplishments" in life. It is something one works towards. But if you live a life single forever, know that God's plan for you is the best you could ever have. Marriage is not everything. Trusting God is. the biggest "accomplishments" you could ever have is entering a deep relationship with Christ. Everything else will then fall in place, regardless whether you do get married in the end or not. I do want to get married but I don't know if I ever will. What I do know that with my life in Christ, I am secured and taken care of, and that is the most beautiful thing.

Till next time

Dennis

A Facade called Confidence

You know, I am someone who isn't as confident as he seems to be. A lot of people say that I'm super chill and calm when doing presentations and public speaking. I guess in that aspect, I am confident. Well you see, in those situations, I'm talking about an external topic. It's not about me; it's not about me as a person. It also has nothing to do with relationships and interactions with people. So yes, I am uncertain, awkward and terrified when it comes to relating with people (I see talking about me and opening up as a person as also interacting with people at a personal level).

I have been told that I'm a sassy person, a divo. Let me tell you, sassiness helps to hide fear, awkwardness and hurts. Essentially, it's a cover to the real me. At the same time, I am a great actor (self praise again Dennis!). In the sense that I'm great at making people think I'm alright and confident about life. Let me tell you, it's a show. Now it doesn't always happen that I hide true self but there are times when I feel it's necessary. I guess I fear being judged for who I am. That has happened all the time in school through out my teenage years and I don't want to be hurt again. 

No one, really no one would guess that I am a socially awkward person. Like I stalk people on social media so that I can profile them and discover topics of similar interest or just themes with which I can use as ammo when having a conversation with people. This helps to avoid awkward or tense moments which I hate so so much! I profile people to help me understand them and to be able to relate with them better.

The number one thing I have taken away from all these is that relationships are intentional. A lot of times we think that relationships are organic but I have come to realise that that is not the case. Good relationships are intentional but appear to be organic. So what does it mean to be intentional? Well so far I have discovered that it includes showing people love and care through their love languages, which are not necessarily the same as yours.

Confidence? As I said, when it comes to people, it takes effort to build up and muster. I'm still working on it. I'm trying to be as true and as real to myself when relating to people, I really am but there's that fear of rejection still niggling in my mind. I honestly have no idea how things will work out but I'm sure that as I walk with God, I will be able to deal with this aspect of my life with His help. 

Till next time!
Dennis

The White Flag Week

This week has been hard. I would sum it up as a week of feeling defeated. A week feeling defeated in my relationships with people. A week feeling crushed as a person. Well, at least I've not felt extremely down. In any case, it's still been a tough week. 

In my relationships with others, it feels like I don't exactly fit in. I guess it stems from the conversations I've had all week. Most of them have ended awkwardly or abruptly. It's like people just don't want to talk to you or have nothing to talk with you. It might just be a matter of perception but it isn't easy to overcome these feelings. Many people would say that I'm just being sensitive and overthinking stuff. I don't know. I feel like everyone has withdrawn from me. It's like everyone has lifted their side of the drawbridge and are either trying to have as little contact while remaining cordial or outright nasty.

As a human being, I feel like I'm not good enough. It's like I can't get anything right. I feel like a great failure. This stems from the fact that I've received a few reprimandings from people. It's been hurtful. While I may not agree with how things were put across to me, I know that the reasons are valid and understandable. Sigh... I feel extremely inadequate as a man, as a human, as a person. Oh man... It's times like that that I question myself, "What are you really good at Dennis? Are you even good at anything?" The only thing I know that I can give is care to other people but even then, sometimes I don't know how and it frustrates me that I can't even do something that I'm supposed to be best at! 

Through it all, I've just been hanging on to God. At least i try to remind myself to do so. Like I know without Him, I would be so gone. This week has taught me a little bit more about what it means to cling onto Christ. To really hold on and not let go. Psalms 42 has also been a comfort. In it, the psalmist asks himself why his soul is cast down and to hope yet again in God. The other thing that has touched my heart, helped bring healing this week, and given strength was a video called "The Invisible Woman." It's a short video clip about 5 minutes in length. In it, a woman speaks about how the things she does for others and her family often goes unnoticed. However, at the end of the day, God sees all that she does. All the sacrifices, no matter how big or small and the acts of care and service. This gives me a strong resolution to continue to care for people and to secretly and silently watch out for others, even at the expense of myself. Why? Because EVERY PERSON MATTERS.

Well so that's been my week. Hard, tough, painful. But yet again I will hope in God, my Rock and Savior. Does it mean that I'm alright and fine now? No. I'm still sorting this week out in my mind and dealing with the defeated feeling but I know that no matter what happens, I still have Jesus. It isn't always easy to see how it'll workout, even right now, but I'll just trust in Christ.

Till next time!

Dennis

Feeling solo

It's another one of those nights. I'm alone and loneliness lingers with me. I don't know who to call or talk to. I'm just so alone. Call your mum back home or call your friends you might say. Well they are busy people and they have their own families and friends. I just don't want to burden them. Like I seriously hate burdening people. They could be having a good time with their other friends, parents or siblings and I don't want to interrupt their quality time. They might even be busy with studies or work. I don't know. I want someone close but I don't want to create extra stuff to deal with. It's a terrible feeling. No lie at all.

I think one reason as to why I feel this way is because I feel that I'm treated as second rate by practically everyone. I am no one's priority. So if I'm not the friend person think of when they want to go out with someone, I better not throw myself on them. Aren't these assumptions Dennis? Well, I see it happening all the time. For example, at gatherings or meetings, I have to initiate a conversation before anyone will talk to me. The rest can just hit it off with each other. I'm not in an inner circle.

Well, I do have an inner circle. The thing is that I don't want to trouble them. It's 2 guys really. While they are the closest guy friends I have, I'm very uncertain if they consider me anything more than a casual friend. I mean they are both really great guys. They really do care for me and stuff but I know they are really busy. One's a dad to a 1 year old and another is a university student who is also still figuring out his own life. I mean do I have to load them with more stuff? I feel really bad if I do. It's not like they've said that, "Hey, if you ever need us, drop us a message!" They listen but you see the relationship in that sense hasn't been clearly defined as to when I can unload to them. I mean I love them very much. I seriously do. I don't have any brothers so to me they are like 2 older brothers. I guess they are typical guys who have the mentality that if you need us just holler. However, I can't, it's hard for me. I don't want to intrude!

Now here's the thing about me. Because I hate being treated as second choice, I always treat people like premier selection. On top of that I always tell people that I'm here for them. How mutual the feeling is is questionable. One struggle is that sometimes I feel my care is very one way, in the sense that I give my love and care to everyone but I don't get any back. All I need sometimes is a, "Hey, how was your day today?" 

It gets so lonely. Sometimes I just burst into tears due to loneliness. It hurts, it hurts because sometimes I feel that nobody cares and nobody is available. It's bad that I'm not a "Just suck it up and move on" kind of guy. Sigh... this is so frustrating.

Oh well I guess that's all for now!

Dennis

P.S. If you need someone to talk to just drop a comment! Like seriously, if you are lonely, I'll be here. =)