Tug of War

I feel like typing something here. Yet, I don't know. Like I mean it is honestly tiring to type and share yourself on the internet sometimes and yet you want your voice to be heard and yet it's exhausting sometimes. But let's see where this goes.

Alright, so how about the fact that I'm rightnow staring at this computer screen with a very empty feeeling inside. Well, that's a start I guess :/ . So yeah everyone's been commenting thatI've been looking really glum over the last few days. The truth is, I have been very glum. But I don't say anything because there isn't anyone to say anything to. It's like talking to people about your problems can be so exhausting sometimes. It's tiring to share your emotions and yet you want to. It's such a struggle inside. A battle. You want people to know and yet you don't want people to know. You want people to know and to comfort and care for you and then there's also the worry that after sharing, you don't get the comfort and care you expect them to give. That just makes you feel worse. Also you fear that you become "clingy" and "needy" in the person's eyes. You know, you don't want to be a burden.

It's terrible really. Right now, all I want is to snuggle up to someone who will just hold me close and say that "Everything's gonna be alright." and "I'll be here for you always." The thing is, there is no one todo that with. Clearly I'm talking about a guy cause like I feel a little strange to be doing that with a woman? Like I'm a guy so I should be the one who should be supporting the "weaker" sex more than they support me. Not to say that they can't support you but you know that there are somethings women will never understand and your problems can be way too big for them. Sigh. I hate this feeling of emptiness, of loneliness. It's so weird, like I want to act ok so that people won't ask questions and stuff and yet I want people to notice that I'm drowning inside. This is so conflicting.

Then there are people who listen but yet don't listen? Like they provide analyses of things which you know aren't true. All I want really is just a safe space to talk and a listening ear. Yet, I want feedback and still I reject feedback I do not like. Or do I? Maybe I don't actually reject things which I don't like hearing about but I reject them because I know that they aren't true. Like deep down inside you know what they said isn't the right analysis. Cause there are times when I'm talking to people who give sharp analyses which aren't necessarily pleasant and yet it reverberates inside. It's really a knowing. So yeah, I don't reject unpleasant stuff. I just reject them if I know the person is misreading the situation.

I don't know how long these feelings of ambiguity and ambivalence will last. I don't know how long I'll be this down. Only God knows and may He help me.

Dennis

I Love You

Everything was going pretty fine till the 31st of March. Then it all started slipping away. Bit by bit, laugh by laugh, text by text, warmth by warmth. I'll cheris your smile, I'll cherish your laugh, I'll cheris that lame sense of humor of yours, I'll cherish the last hug we had, I'll cherish it all. Even as the frost begins to invade, I'll remember it all. Because I want you but if you want to move on, go. I hope someday you'll know that love lets people go and is not possessive. Love lets people walk away but love continues to keep them in the heart. I love you. I really do. I wish things didn't have to come to this point. I ask myself could I have done more? Could I have done something more or was it because of me things split? I don't know and it hurts you don't know that it hurts. But it's ok. Because I love you, you don't have to know of the pain. You were my new beginning. I don't know where things are now as you push me away. But its ok, if I cause pain, I'll walk away. If I cause trouble, I'll walk away. Cause I love you and I don't need to be a burden to you. I love you very much and I know that in many years to come, you will still be on my mind.

Holding On

I don't know how to start this post. Right now, I'm super hyper. Like seriously pumped. Like come on man! Typing with exclamation marks and lots of emojis. I guess it's one of my coping mechanisms when dealing with great pain and sadness. Cause inside it hurts real bad. Real bad. I keep welling up with tears and it's starting to frustrate me that it keeps happening. It's happened. The subject of the previous poem is walking out and away. It feels like a punch in the gut. I can't describe how I feel except for great grief and sadness. Oh God, it stings, it pierces so deep. My heart is splintered and crushed.

It's so heart wrenching. Ok I probably sound like a completely soppy mess wailing my eyes out. But really, I'm ok because all coping mechanisms activated so it's ok. Suppression isn't very hard for me really. I think because I come across as very emotional and stuff, people think that I'm genuine in how I'm feeling all the time. Nah, beneath all that cream and soft fluffy pillows is an iron wall. I don't like activating the iron wall sequence in my emotions but at times like these I just have to. Bracing and steeling myself. That's the strong part that people don't see. Don't get me wrong here and think that I only suppress and do not interact with my emotions. I do but in privacy. That's why you won't see me howling in front of you usually. Still open for business with a smile. The scary part is that it has become so integral to my character that I don't need to put effort into activating a mask. It's so natural. Scary indeed.

Really, Cinna (from the Hunger Games) and I share the common trait of rechannelling our emotions. While Cinna places it into his work, I channel it into happier, more pleasant emotions. It's a wonder really how I pull it off (self-praise Dennis? *sly face emoji*). But it isn't hard. You know, at the same time, I don't know why but I can feel a sense of real anger deep inside. If I really just let it go, I could really punch up the subject of this grief. But I believe that I cope only because I have God. Best person to sort things out with. Not even kidding. So yeah, I'm grieved, angry, happy and hmm, a little hungry at this hour of the day. =P

Dennis

To Know

Please say more, don't cut me out
Don't close your heart, don't ice away

I want to talk, I really do
But it hurts when I say much
But get little

You stay silent, quiet, not even a whisper
I can no longer muster an initiation

Those special chimes, that flash of blue
It can only be a message from you
Swiftly glancing

A little hello, official stuff
I answer concealing my distasteful gruff

But it still shows through
But I know you won't catch it
You're oblivious

Three exchanges and you're off
I want to talk more, I want to chat

But I can't make myself do it
Cause what if a wall is returned?
Hurting even more

It's painful that things stay like this
I tear up, my vision turns to mist

I guess it means I really love you
That's why it stabs like that
Do you know?

But you don't know
And I don't know how to say

Cause I'm afraid you'll give the same shrug
You'll say all is good and right
That hurts more

I'm shrinking back into darkness, coldness
Because of your shoving

Running back to a bleak cave
Hiding, protecting myself
Trying to

But I know it won't work
I care too much

You'll always be in my heart
Even if all grows dark
I won't forget

You'll end up on that list too
Just like the others

Cause I love real deep
And hurt just as much
May things change