Feeling solo

It's another one of those nights. I'm alone and loneliness lingers with me. I don't know who to call or talk to. I'm just so alone. Call your mum back home or call your friends you might say. Well they are busy people and they have their own families and friends. I just don't want to burden them. Like I seriously hate burdening people. They could be having a good time with their other friends, parents or siblings and I don't want to interrupt their quality time. They might even be busy with studies or work. I don't know. I want someone close but I don't want to create extra stuff to deal with. It's a terrible feeling. No lie at all.

I think one reason as to why I feel this way is because I feel that I'm treated as second rate by practically everyone. I am no one's priority. So if I'm not the friend person think of when they want to go out with someone, I better not throw myself on them. Aren't these assumptions Dennis? Well, I see it happening all the time. For example, at gatherings or meetings, I have to initiate a conversation before anyone will talk to me. The rest can just hit it off with each other. I'm not in an inner circle.

Well, I do have an inner circle. The thing is that I don't want to trouble them. It's 2 guys really. While they are the closest guy friends I have, I'm very uncertain if they consider me anything more than a casual friend. I mean they are both really great guys. They really do care for me and stuff but I know they are really busy. One's a dad to a 1 year old and another is a university student who is also still figuring out his own life. I mean do I have to load them with more stuff? I feel really bad if I do. It's not like they've said that, "Hey, if you ever need us, drop us a message!" They listen but you see the relationship in that sense hasn't been clearly defined as to when I can unload to them. I mean I love them very much. I seriously do. I don't have any brothers so to me they are like 2 older brothers. I guess they are typical guys who have the mentality that if you need us just holler. However, I can't, it's hard for me. I don't want to intrude!

Now here's the thing about me. Because I hate being treated as second choice, I always treat people like premier selection. On top of that I always tell people that I'm here for them. How mutual the feeling is is questionable. One struggle is that sometimes I feel my care is very one way, in the sense that I give my love and care to everyone but I don't get any back. All I need sometimes is a, "Hey, how was your day today?" 

It gets so lonely. Sometimes I just burst into tears due to loneliness. It hurts, it hurts because sometimes I feel that nobody cares and nobody is available. It's bad that I'm not a "Just suck it up and move on" kind of guy. Sigh... this is so frustrating.

Oh well I guess that's all for now!

Dennis

P.S. If you need someone to talk to just drop a comment! Like seriously, if you are lonely, I'll be here. =)