Restaurant Musings

One of the nicest things is watching fathers and sons eating together in a restaurant. I mean the kind where you can see that both guys genuinely enjoy each other's presence. It does not necessarily involve alot of talking but you can see that they're really chilling together, the men of the house together. That must be nice.

Watching these kind of occurrences is quite a bitter-sweet experience for me. It gives me joy watching a healthy relationship between the men of the house. On the other hand, it makes me feel that bit more worse that I don't have that. Also, it makes the loneliness of eating alone greater.

I guess I'll just have to remember that I have a good Father in heaven who loves me.

That's all for now,

Dennis

Small Thoughts

Life has been pretty average recently. Some bumps along the way but nothing major enough to trigger off a post here. Or at least when it was "big" I was either too lazy to write or had no access to this blog. Well, I don't want to suddenly disappear here so I'm writing this little post here. :)

I guess the things that have been on my mind have been exams. They're coming up in about a week and a half. I feel so unprepared for them. I just keep telling myself that I just need to pass. It's my first year examinations for my degree. The grades don't contribute much to my final degree classification but obviously I don't want to just pass. However, if I make it across the bar, even if just, I would be happy... very because many people fail their papers and so a pass across the board will be very much appreciated Jesus.

Kit Soon has been so warm and fuzzy that I'm so happy and maybe a little delirious. Just kidding. But he's been so nice and I feel our relationship has been growing. Previously, it kind of hit a little plateau. Then again, I always overthink and read into things (Don't judge me guys) so maybe we weren't exactly on a plateau. However, i would say that he's been much more responsive than previously and that's great. Less stoic. Keep it up man! We need to find time to go out and have bro time. After your exams Dennis, after your exams.

Just been listening to Colbie Caillat's version of "Here Comes the Sun." So many video ideas for that song. The strange hanging chord (a minor I think?) is placed so strategically that it's so punchy and so nice. Her voice has this sweet gentle flow to it that the guitar and the rhythm. Too good guys, too good.

There's actually something that is happening that I can't say here for the sake of privacy. Not that I don't trust you guys but I really cannot say la. Cause if I do, I will mess it up. Also it's not my thoughts and so it'll be breaking trust. Haiyo Dennis then why you tell us? Well, I'm putting it here so that in future I can refer here and say I told you so! So on the 22nd of April 2016, I Dennis Tay am putting a certain "thing" here that I may have proof regarding it. I'll codename the secret as "Village to Arno." You'll thank me for this someday future Dennis!

That's it guys! It'll probably be another 3-4 weeks before I get to post another entry. But please stay tune. I've got ideas on what to write just really busy. Sorry. I promise I'll be back here as soon as possible. :)

Till next time!

Dennis

Fears, Failures and Experts

One of my greatest fear is showing off my rudimentary knowledge/skills in the presence of "experts." Every time I know a professional is in proximity, that's it, zipped lips and plastered smiles. It's a curse really. Some may say that it's due to my "performance-orientated" mindset. Hence, this leads me to a fear of making mistakes. I would say that it was never my making to be performance-orientated. On the contrary, it has been something that has been ingrained into me throughout my teen years. The fear of making mistakes stems from my class. Having witnessed and experienced the bashing, ridicule and scorn one faces from both the students and teacher when one makes an error, the fear of stepping out of line is very real.

I'm trying, really trying to breakout of this fear. It's hard because the world isn't very forgiving. Outside of school, there have been many times when I feel "ridiculed" for making a mistake. I believe the person did not mean it that way but because of this past, I perhaps interpreted things differently. For this reason, I keep mum whenever I know a more knowledgeable or skilled person is in range. "Don't make a fool of yourself Dennis!" I tell my self constantly. "Listen first." The bad thing is that sometimes due to this, I keep silent even if I know or have a rough idea for the fear of being shot down even when it's "my time to shine." Again, perhaps I'm over thinking things. Maybe I was never really shot down. Just that when I'm crossed over, I always, always feel very judged by the surrounding people. My perception. It's just me. Like geez, this is though. Breaking free from this mentality is hard.

The other reason that perhaps I don't say anything is because I don't feel good enough. Even in my area of "expertise," trains. When I'm in the presence of other train-geeks or spotter, I nod my head and listen. Perhaps it's the notion that I'm not good enough. That in reality, I'm just a runt. I know nothing. A good time to apply "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry"? But there really needs to be a balance to my silence. I don't think I really know nothing. It's just the fear of being judged by people and being ridiculed. The good thing I guess is that it makes me read up more that I might be as "pro" as the true professionals? An indication of performance-orientation? Perhaps. As I look at it, it reminds me to never just shoot people and ridicule them. You can never, never tell the mark your words will leave on a person.

Of course, this doesn't mean I don't goad into people like Kit Soon. The relationship is there so it's alright to "kacau" (disturb) people like him from time to time. Even then, it's in good camaraderie. But sometimes it still can be taken the wrong way. For that reason, emojis are so important in messages. I cannot stress the importance. Anyway, One thing that I try not to do is to push people away from me due to my "smartness." As a cell leader and even just as a Christian friend to another Christian, one of my major concerns is to appear "super-spiritual" that it pushes people who are not on the same level of faith away from me. That it makes them feel like they'll never be able to be that good. Or that it disconnects them because I always have an answer... a spiritual answer. Even when I facilitate Bible studies, I say things like, "Guys, this is a non-judgmental zone." I want people to be able to bring what they have to the table no matter how small. Everyone matters. I believe that experts need to realize this, that they can appear to be above. It's important to be human too. 

I hope that I will always.. prayerfully I will always be able to meet people at their level and lead them to a higher floor. That I will be able to meet people at their point in their journey and walk beside them. Well I'm glad that my unpleasant experiences have made me aware to such issues. I always believe that whatever we go through never, ever goes to waste. It's just how we choose to react. Do we hurt people as hurt people do or do we use our hurt to nourish another person's life? Whether we grow bitter or more loving? That's the power in our hands. "It's not easy," that's one of my favorite phrases but it's true. For that reason, we need Jesus in everything. As spiritual an answer it may seem, it's the truth and I don't know how else to put it. He has been my sustenance and I know He will be yours too if you allow Him. I know He's helping me with this fear and day by day it'll diminish. It's a work in progress but I'll get there someday.

Till next time!

Dennis

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 
who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Shadows

Yesterday, while I was driving in the car. My FM radio was on. Now, I rarely switch my radio to FM mode but usually have a CD (yes, I still buy CDs, I'm that old-school) running. So as I changed radio channels, I heard the end of this song playing: 

It hit me hard cause I've been having thoughts about this aspect of life. It summed up the cry of the hearts of many, many people. "Can you love me? Even though I'm like that? Even though with this as my past?" It really struck a chord within my heart. If there is anything that the last 2 years being in KL has taught me is that many people have a past. Painful, shattered lives; crushed and broken hearts; debris lying on the ground. Well for me the context would be my friends. It's probably easy to accept someone whom you don't know very well, at least for me, because one hardly knows the person. On the contrary, if it's someone close to your heart like a cell member or good classmate it can be tougher. Perhaps there is the thought that why didn't you tell me before? Have you been lying to me all this time by just saying everything is alright when it's not? I think it's probably I feel that you've just been deceiving me by not stating who you really are. It's even worse when I have to keep asking before the truth surfaces."Wow Dennis, so understanding." I mean hey, I'm being real about how I feel but I do understand that trust takes time to build. That's the initial feelings but after that, "You sit down now and we are going to work this out cause I love you so much! Do you know that?"

I was pondering on the ability to love such people and I know I really, really want to. I really want to "remind them who they really are" and help them find their way back to Christ or to Christ. Inside, I know that the love that I have towards such people is not mine. My love is selfish and is only doled out to people who are "perfect" and "deserving" of it. But this love is different. It's a love that is wild, free and raging. A love that seeks to fight through the darkness and bring light. Every time someone tells me of the things they wrestle with, I feel this huge wave of love just sweeping forth from me that I know cannot be mine. It can only be the Father's love. Loved people love people. I've experienced the love of God directly and through other people, how can I hold it back from other people? You know, I'm a looper, when people tell me about what they go through, I think over and over about them. I really care.

My greatest fear is that my friends will always feel that they have no one to turn to in the midst of their circumstances. I hope that they know that they can trust me. I hope that they know that I'm for them. I hope that they know that I believe in them. I hope they know that if they're struggling with anything I will be there to help them. I hope they know that my life isn't as happy or perfect as it seems and I understand, I understand how they feel. I hope they know that if they're drunk, they can call me at the wee hours of the day and I WILL GO FETCH THEM! I hope they know that when they're about to sin, if they know that they're being tempted to do something they are not supposed to do, they can call me too, at anytime of the day. I hope they know that they can call me at 3 in the morning when something bad happens. I hope they know that when they've messed up, they can call me. Should they be unable to call, I hope they know that they can send me a message.... or many, many messages.

I hope that at the end of the day, they know that they have redemption in Jesus. I hope they know that they can never go to far to cause God to stop loving them. No depression, drug usage, sexual misconduct, self-mutilation, suicidal thoughts, pornography is gonna stop God loving them and I hope that through my life they will be able to experience God's love. "No sin, no shame, no past, no pain can separate me from Your love; No height, no depth, no fear no wrath, can separate me from Your love." Nothing absolutely nothing. God is here for you and I'm here for you. Don't push Him out, don't push me out. For goodness sake, tell me and DON'T WAIT FOR ME TO ASK! I may be an observant person but I don't always pick things up. It's OK to initiate the conversation first! God wants to journey with you out of these things, I want to journey with you too. Let us help you. Please. You are never ever a burden.

I won't run away.
I promise to stay.
You are worth a lot to Christ and me.

Dennis

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,
That whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16