A Facade called Confidence

You know, I am someone who isn't as confident as he seems to be. A lot of people say that I'm super chill and calm when doing presentations and public speaking. I guess in that aspect, I am confident. Well you see, in those situations, I'm talking about an external topic. It's not about me; it's not about me as a person. It also has nothing to do with relationships and interactions with people. So yes, I am uncertain, awkward and terrified when it comes to relating with people (I see talking about me and opening up as a person as also interacting with people at a personal level).

I have been told that I'm a sassy person, a divo. Let me tell you, sassiness helps to hide fear, awkwardness and hurts. Essentially, it's a cover to the real me. At the same time, I am a great actor (self praise again Dennis!). In the sense that I'm great at making people think I'm alright and confident about life. Let me tell you, it's a show. Now it doesn't always happen that I hide true self but there are times when I feel it's necessary. I guess I fear being judged for who I am. That has happened all the time in school through out my teenage years and I don't want to be hurt again. 

No one, really no one would guess that I am a socially awkward person. Like I stalk people on social media so that I can profile them and discover topics of similar interest or just themes with which I can use as ammo when having a conversation with people. This helps to avoid awkward or tense moments which I hate so so much! I profile people to help me understand them and to be able to relate with them better.

The number one thing I have taken away from all these is that relationships are intentional. A lot of times we think that relationships are organic but I have come to realise that that is not the case. Good relationships are intentional but appear to be organic. So what does it mean to be intentional? Well so far I have discovered that it includes showing people love and care through their love languages, which are not necessarily the same as yours.

Confidence? As I said, when it comes to people, it takes effort to build up and muster. I'm still working on it. I'm trying to be as true and as real to myself when relating to people, I really am but there's that fear of rejection still niggling in my mind. I honestly have no idea how things will work out but I'm sure that as I walk with God, I will be able to deal with this aspect of my life with His help. 

Till next time!
Dennis