The last few weeks has been quite the emotional rollercoaster. So many things have been happening or had been happening without me knowing and know it's like things have popped up. Heartbreak and ache, feelings (the lovey dovey kind), uncertainty, frustration and apathy. Well not that it's all my emotions, it's just that my empathy enabling me to feel what my family/friends are going through. Maybe it's my "fault" for getting enthralled in all of these but I guess it's my way of caring. I sometimes feel like a signalman, seeing the big picture and where all the trains are and pulling levers and pushing buttons to keep the system running. It's hard to explain on a screen but truly it does feel that way. It can get tiring at time but I care for people that way so I don't complain.
Of everything thing that has been bothering or at least was bothering me was *drumroll* *cymbal crash* my friend Kit Soon. Now we're pally and stuff but over the last five months, his messages on Whatsapp has been becoming shorter, lacking as many emojis, or lacking in existence and it sometimes comes across as apathetic and a disinterest. KIT SOON! WHY? *sad face cry emoji* I mean we're pretty pally... ok maybe more than pally... He's definitely the closest guy friend I've ever had and I consider him my best friend. The greatest fear is that I, as a 180cm, 60.2kg guy, is appearing to throw myself at him. I mean I honestly love him a lot (oooo shay Dennis *sly side look emoji*) no, no nothing erotic if you're thinking of it that way *angry face emoji*. I really, really do love him as my own brother. I've never had a brother and always wanted an older one and like finally I have one. yes, I have told him so but I never really got a reply as to where he defines the relationship and it is eating into me so much! I was so so afraid that I was annoying him with me... But the other day, I did ask if he was alright and if I was annoying him and he replied that when he knows people are busy, he tend to restrain his messages. Phew, ok that helps explain a lot. He's been busy with exams and I'm prepping for mine so that's pretty settled. I just hope the relationship grows strong and doesn't die. Sometimes I feel so lost as to how to proceed cause like I've never really had any real guy friends. Just commit it to Jesus, Dennis, just commit it to Him. Ok settled.
I'm the kind of guy who has problems but will try to hold the fort by himself while helping others hold theirs too. I mean are there things i struggle with? Definitely. But I don't say... at least not to many people cause like my issues are huge honey, HUGE! And sometimes it gets frustrating that the people I open up to don't always "help" me. Maybe it's my own expectations that I need to get a hold on. But you see, for me, once you've shared, I will check with you on how things are and stuff. Maybe it's also because I've only really shared with guys... specifically two and well guys don't really check on people but if you need them they'll be there. It would be nice though if they could interact with the emotions from time to time and check on me. It can feel draining to open up and not get back anything in a certain sense. Probably for one I'm a brilliant concealor (self praise again Dennis) and so people don't see when I'm struggling. One thing though is that my motto for life is "People above self". I always put people on priority and so I put myself in the shadows. But it's ok. Love comes at a cost? I have to think more on that.
Well that's all for now, oh and a friend stumbled on my blog. So Flo, if you are reading this, do not, I said DO NOT say anything to anyone... specifically Kit Soon! XD But maybe someday... maybe someday he'll see what I think of him...
Dennis
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