One of my greatest fear is showing off my rudimentary knowledge/skills in the presence of "experts." Every time I know a professional is in proximity, that's it, zipped lips and plastered smiles. It's a curse really. Some may say that it's due to my "performance-orientated" mindset. Hence, this leads me to a fear of making mistakes. I would say that it was never my making to be performance-orientated. On the contrary, it has been something that has been ingrained into me throughout my teen years. The fear of making mistakes stems from my class. Having witnessed and experienced the bashing, ridicule and scorn one faces from both the students and teacher when one makes an error, the fear of stepping out of line is very real.
I'm trying, really trying to breakout of this fear. It's hard because the world isn't very forgiving. Outside of school, there have been many times when I feel "ridiculed" for making a mistake. I believe the person did not mean it that way but because of this past, I perhaps interpreted things differently. For this reason, I keep mum whenever I know a more knowledgeable or skilled person is in range. "Don't make a fool of yourself Dennis!" I tell my self constantly. "Listen first." The bad thing is that sometimes due to this, I keep silent even if I know or have a rough idea for the fear of being shot down even when it's "my time to shine." Again, perhaps I'm over thinking things. Maybe I was never really shot down. Just that when I'm crossed over, I always, always feel very judged by the surrounding people. My perception. It's just me. Like geez, this is though. Breaking free from this mentality is hard.
The other reason that perhaps I don't say anything is because I don't feel good enough. Even in my area of "expertise," trains. When I'm in the presence of other train-geeks or spotter, I nod my head and listen. Perhaps it's the notion that I'm not good enough. That in reality, I'm just a runt. I know nothing. A good time to apply "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry"? But there really needs to be a balance to my silence. I don't think I really know nothing. It's just the fear of being judged by people and being ridiculed. The good thing I guess is that it makes me read up more that I might be as "pro" as the true professionals? An indication of performance-orientation? Perhaps. As I look at it, it reminds me to never just shoot people and ridicule them. You can never, never tell the mark your words will leave on a person.
Of course, this doesn't mean I don't goad into people like Kit Soon. The relationship is there so it's alright to "kacau" (disturb) people like him from time to time. Even then, it's in good camaraderie. But sometimes it still can be taken the wrong way. For that reason, emojis are so important in messages. I cannot stress the importance. Anyway, One thing that I try not to do is to push people away from me due to my "smartness." As a cell leader and even just as a Christian friend to another Christian, one of my major concerns is to appear "super-spiritual" that it pushes people who are not on the same level of faith away from me. That it makes them feel like they'll never be able to be that good. Or that it disconnects them because I always have an answer... a spiritual answer. Even when I facilitate Bible studies, I say things like, "Guys, this is a non-judgmental zone." I want people to be able to bring what they have to the table no matter how small. Everyone matters. I believe that experts need to realize this, that they can appear to be above. It's important to be human too.
I hope that I will always.. prayerfully I will always be able to meet people at their level and lead them to a higher floor. That I will be able to meet people at their point in their journey and walk beside them. Well I'm glad that my unpleasant experiences have made me aware to such issues. I always believe that whatever we go through never, ever goes to waste. It's just how we choose to react. Do we hurt people as hurt people do or do we use our hurt to nourish another person's life? Whether we grow bitter or more loving? That's the power in our hands. "It's not easy," that's one of my favorite phrases but it's true. For that reason, we need Jesus in everything. As spiritual an answer it may seem, it's the truth and I don't know how else to put it. He has been my sustenance and I know He will be yours too if you allow Him. I know He's helping me with this fear and day by day it'll diminish. It's a work in progress but I'll get there someday.
Till next time!
Dennis
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
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