Hollow

Cell is over. Everyone has left and I'm alone in the living room again. It's so quite. The room feels so hollow. The noises, the voices, the laughter, the banter, the smiles, it's gonna have to wait awhile cause I'll only see them one week later. One week! Do you know how long that is? I miss them already. Has 4 hours of cell gone by already? The chill slowly invades my heart, the silence sits like a low and heavy cloud. I'm feeling lonely. 

I don't have many friends. I have many acquaintances but I have very few friends. These are my friends, my family here in Kuala Lumpur (KL). It's terrible that I only get to see them once a week for only 4 hours. I miss them so bad through out the week. Sigh, it's even worse when they leave so fast after cell. It's like I don't have time to even talk to them or to just be in their presence. I feel it even more when my bros, Kit Soon and Wai Nyan leave. Just gone like that. Maybe I'm being a bit emotional and possessive. I know it's late and it's close to twelve midnight and people have classes and work to go to tomorrow. The considerate side of me is saying that they need their sleep. On the other hand, the selfish side of me screaming out for them to stay and keep me company. Am I being selfish in the first place? What if it's because certain of my own emotional need are not being met, causing me to feel so down and "desperate" in a certain sense. 

I've always been the social out cast in school. It was tough. I never could fit in and I never had that group of friends that everyone has and hangs out with, what more an inner circle? It took a heavy toll on me because I'm a person who is pretty deep and who shares deep personal stuff and observations. I mean I can be shallow but not for too long. After coming to KL it's like now I have friends! And a group of really close guy friends! Like wow man! As I dig deeper into these feelings, perhaps because of what has happened, how tough it was to gain friends, I now am pretty clingy with my current group of friends. This is bad. I mean till today I still find it hard to make friends. Sometimes I feel that I don't quite fit in and am socially awkward with my cell mates. Perhaps it is a matter of perception. Also as I said earlier, perhaps the social need of bonding is not being met. Cell is just too short a time to just, get close and stuff.

They say we have a God shape void. Am I mistaking this void to be the lack of friends? I don't know. I don't think so. Perhaps I need to remind myself that I am not alone and that Christ is always with me. I mean it is hard cause His presence isn't a physical one but I think it's in a sense an exercise of trust and faith. Maybe this feelings of yearning and pining for them are actually God given and beautiful. The longing for a group of people who truly care for you, who will point you to God, rebuke you when needed and love you. Also, I think I have to shake this feeling that I'm lonely and that there's no one around and just revel in the time we get to share with one another. Friendships with people have always been hard for me. People don't really realise it cause I'm this warm, happy person all the time but it is a struggle. However, God has sent me these amazing people into my life. Also, the fact that I'm able to make friends with these people, surely it must be of God. Just trusting Him that He will work things out and bring me the right people is something I should remember to do. Then, then I believe life will not be so hollow.

Till next time!

Dennis