I struggle. I struggle with the feeling that I really am no one. Does it matter? Well the good Christian answer would be a firm "No, my identity is in Christ." But I do mind. I mind it quite badly. Sometimes I can cling on to that and sometimes I can't. Perhaps it reveals the human nature of myself whereby I want to control my life. I want to be a someone. I want to be respected for things that I can do. Or do I? As I sit here contemplating these things, I wonder is this just it? Is that the reason? Is that the root cause? No, I think not. The root, the base, the truth of it all, I believe, is that I just want to be accepted as a man. I am a man but I just never feel good enough or adequate enough. As a male, I feel like hopeless failure. I'm lazy, self-centered, and fearful. Joy, so manly indeed. I can't do anything that I'm supposed to do right. Heck, I don't even get bothered with my car. In the first place, I don't even know how to define manliness. I see it in other man but I can't put my finger on what makes them manly. I can't grasp the thing I see in them that I know I do not have. Indeed, I feel like a shell, appearing nice on the outside but empty on the inside.
Deep down inside, I know what I need. I need to be affirmed as a man that I am a man by a man. Does that confuse you? here, let me repeat it. I (Dennis, a man) need to be affirmed by another man that I am a man. The issue here is masculinity. Am I masculine enough? Do I have what it takes to be a man? You see, masculinity is passed from one man to another. It cannot be created or taken on any other way. In comes my problem. I try. I try to build a certain masculinity based on what I observe and read... and it fails to hold. That's not how it works. I can't conjure it up. But here I am, trying so hard to find my identity as a man, trying to find the masculinity that I lack but to no avail. It doesn't help that I get comments from both genders that I'm not tough enough while getting my failures pointed. Not that I mind being told my failures. I appreciate honesty that I may improve but being scorned on... it's hard. It's so so hard. I'm trying guys, I'm trying but it feels like there's no one to help me, no one to guide me. I feel so lost. Am I chasing something elusive?
So what is the resolution? I honestly don't know. Many times I feel like I can't make this side of me work and solve my failures till the point that God is fed up with me and has given up on me. I've exhausted His patience for me. It's probably the devil whispering lies but it does hit very hard home. However I cling on to the Bible's continually proclamation that God is great in mercy and He never gives up on us. There are times when it gets though to believe that but perhaps this is where faith comes in. I need God to build this side of me, other men to affirm me and both need to give me guidance. It sounds weak but this is what I believe very much that I need. What am I looking for? I am looking for my heart. I am chasing it down. But it is hard. Very hard. But I have a God. A big, strong, manlier-than-all-men-put-together God. And He is on my side.
Dennis
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger, abounding in love.
Psalms 103:8
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