Holding On

I don't know how to start this post. Right now, I'm super hyper. Like seriously pumped. Like come on man! Typing with exclamation marks and lots of emojis. I guess it's one of my coping mechanisms when dealing with great pain and sadness. Cause inside it hurts real bad. Real bad. I keep welling up with tears and it's starting to frustrate me that it keeps happening. It's happened. The subject of the previous poem is walking out and away. It feels like a punch in the gut. I can't describe how I feel except for great grief and sadness. Oh God, it stings, it pierces so deep. My heart is splintered and crushed.

It's so heart wrenching. Ok I probably sound like a completely soppy mess wailing my eyes out. But really, I'm ok because all coping mechanisms activated so it's ok. Suppression isn't very hard for me really. I think because I come across as very emotional and stuff, people think that I'm genuine in how I'm feeling all the time. Nah, beneath all that cream and soft fluffy pillows is an iron wall. I don't like activating the iron wall sequence in my emotions but at times like these I just have to. Bracing and steeling myself. That's the strong part that people don't see. Don't get me wrong here and think that I only suppress and do not interact with my emotions. I do but in privacy. That's why you won't see me howling in front of you usually. Still open for business with a smile. The scary part is that it has become so integral to my character that I don't need to put effort into activating a mask. It's so natural. Scary indeed.

Really, Cinna (from the Hunger Games) and I share the common trait of rechannelling our emotions. While Cinna places it into his work, I channel it into happier, more pleasant emotions. It's a wonder really how I pull it off (self-praise Dennis? *sly face emoji*). But it isn't hard. You know, at the same time, I don't know why but I can feel a sense of real anger deep inside. If I really just let it go, I could really punch up the subject of this grief. But I believe that I cope only because I have God. Best person to sort things out with. Not even kidding. So yeah, I'm grieved, angry, happy and hmm, a little hungry at this hour of the day. =P

Dennis