A Needle in a Haystack

"Who am I?"," Am I a man?", "Am I good enough?", these are some questions I ask myself many times. Through different situations and times, these questions surface, making me query myself and everything I believe myself to be and sell myself as. They answers can be hard hitting and painful. The reason is simply because, the answers usually are, "I don't know", or a weak "Yes" or a strong "No." To some, these indicate a weak, insecure person. They are not wrong. What am I looking for you ask. I am looking for my identity.

I struggle. I struggle with the feeling that I really am no one. Does it matter? Well the good Christian answer would be a firm "No, my identity is in Christ." But I do mind. I mind it quite badly. Sometimes I can cling on to that and sometimes I can't. Perhaps it reveals the human nature of myself whereby I want to control my life. I want to be a someone. I want to be respected for things that I can do. Or do I? As I sit here contemplating these things, I wonder is this just it? Is that the reason? Is that the root cause? No, I think not. The root, the base, the truth of it all, I believe, is that I just want to be accepted as a man. I am a man but I just never feel good enough or adequate enough. As a male, I feel like hopeless failure. I'm lazy, self-centered, and fearful. Joy, so manly indeed. I can't do anything that I'm supposed to do right. Heck, I don't even get bothered with my car. In the first place, I don't even know how to define manliness. I see it in other man but I can't put my finger on what makes them manly. I can't grasp the thing I see in them that I know I do not have. Indeed, I feel like a shell, appearing nice on the outside but empty on the inside.

Deep down inside, I know what I need. I need to be affirmed as a man that I am a man by a man. Does that confuse you? here, let me repeat it. I (Dennis, a man) need to be affirmed by another man that I am a man. The issue here is masculinity. Am I masculine enough? Do I have what it takes to be a man? You see, masculinity is passed from one man to another. It cannot be created or taken on any other way.  In comes my problem. I try. I try to build a certain masculinity based on what I observe and read... and it fails to hold. That's not how it works. I can't conjure it up. But here I am, trying so hard to find my identity as a man, trying to find the masculinity that I lack but to no avail. It doesn't help that I get comments from both genders that I'm not tough enough while getting my failures pointed. Not that I mind being told my failures. I appreciate honesty that I may improve but being scorned on... it's hard. It's so so hard. I'm trying guys, I'm trying but it feels like there's no one to help me, no one to guide me. I feel so lost. Am I chasing something elusive?

So what is the resolution? I honestly don't know. Many times I feel like I can't make this side of me work and solve my failures till the point that God is fed up with me and has given up on me. I've exhausted His patience for me. It's probably the devil whispering lies but it does hit very hard home. However I cling on to the Bible's continually proclamation that God is great in mercy and He never gives up on us. There are times when it gets though to believe that but perhaps this is where faith comes in. I need God to build this side of me, other men to affirm me and both need to give me guidance. It sounds weak but this is what I believe very much that I need. What am I looking for? I am looking for my heart. I am chasing it down. But it is hard. Very hard. But I have a God. A big, strong, manlier-than-all-men-put-together God. And He is on my side.

Dennis

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, 
Slow to anger, abounding in love.

Psalms 103:8

The Last Moments

14 minutes and I'll be a twenty year old man. I don't feel twenty at all. Gosh I don't know... but so long teen years and hello twenties!

Saying Goodbye to a Decade

It's my birthday soon (I'm not hinting anything!). Yes, it's my birthday soon and then I turn twenty. Twenty? I've lived so long already? Has it really been 2 decades already? Wow, time sure flies. I mean I'm in my last days as a teenager. A teenager? I'm not gonna be one anymore? I'm going to have to be a big boy now and grow up and do my own laundry and sweep my room and earn my own money? Just kidding, I already do my own laundry and sweep my own room. Earning my own keep won't be for awhile though. I've still another 2 years of education ahead before I get my degree. But yeah, I'm turning twenty. It scares me cause it'll be the closing of my days as a wild and free teenager while a new chapter opens up. Not that I was that wild and free, I was well trained by my mother :) (bragging again Dennis).

Yesterday in cell, Wai Nyan, who was leading word asked a question. It went, "What have you worked hard and long for and have achieved/received it?" It got me really thinking, "What have I done in my life so far, these last close to twenty years?" I couldn't really give an answer. I haven't really worked hard at much or for a long period of time. There were stories of marathons, 4.0 CGPAs, sports achievements, acing exams etc... Me? None. I have no certificate, no medal, no name to a record, no exam I've worked my guts out for. Nothing. What have I been doing? I think in a sense I'm quite an underachiever. Is that self pity? Maybe but I'm being honest as I reflect. Yeah, I don't think I've really achieved much in my life. When it was my turn to share, I told them a small fraction of ODDI (owh-dee). It's my observation and analysis "programme" in my mind. It stands for Observation, Deduction, Detection & Impression. (I'll tell you guys more about it someday. Soon probably, just be patient ya.) It pales however in comparison to everything else that was said. But it's ok. I mean it's a "programme" that's still being constructed. I'm still "building" it through my observations and readings. It will never be a "finished programme" but I guess as I said previously, I care for people and it's through this I can better care for others. 

I think the reason that I haven't really 'achieved" anything is because my goals are in terms of years and tens of years. My goals include getting married and building it into a strong one, owning my own home where I can entertain guests, raising a strong, loving family and training my sons to be upright and godly men. Yup, my goals are very long term so it will take awhile. Preparation starts now. For example, I do read up on parenting and marriage. I think through situations that may never happen or will only happen many years from now and how to handle them. Then again, do I really need to achieve something to make myself feel good about myself. I think as long as my achievements do not define who I am then it's ok. It's ok to have dreams and goals but not let those things be the determinants of my self worth. My identity is in Christ, I must remember that. The other thing is that I lack tenacity. I am not a strong-willed person. Maybe some times I am, depending on how you define strong-willed *awkward grin*. It's something I have to build, determination and tenacity. Perhaps if I look at my friends and the stories they have shared, I will be able to learn and define tenacity and determination a little better and work towards them. It's pretty manly I think to have those characteristics. Yeah, I should and must integrate these two characteristics into my life.

The last few days of my adolescent years are nigh. Just reflecting on them, well the earlier chunk of it, probably 11-17 are probably heartbreaking but as I look at the last 2 years, at the ages of 18 & 19, I see a glimmer of hope. Perhaps life is just getting started for me. Perhaps my teen years were to shape and propel me to something greater in the next decades of my life. I don't know, only time will tell. The emptiness, the pain, the loss, the gain, the joy, the fun, well it can be sealed and done. 10 years, labelled the growing 10s. Finally can be brought to a close. packaged and considered closed. A chapter ends, a new one starts. A new one with hope that seems to gleam in the horizon. So goodbye my teens and hello the next decade. I wonder if it'll be the "Roaring Twenties." Well only God knows. It's amazing how He has sustained me the last twenty years. It's truly amazing that I, in the first place, that I am alive. I can't wait to see what He'll write in this new chapter. He's placed in great friends and brothers in the ending of the last and as far as I see it it'll be a deepening of these relationships. There's so much to look forward to in life too. One thing I know though, that as long as God writes the story, it'll be exciting.

Till next time!

Dennis

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; 

And lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Hollow

Cell is over. Everyone has left and I'm alone in the living room again. It's so quite. The room feels so hollow. The noises, the voices, the laughter, the banter, the smiles, it's gonna have to wait awhile cause I'll only see them one week later. One week! Do you know how long that is? I miss them already. Has 4 hours of cell gone by already? The chill slowly invades my heart, the silence sits like a low and heavy cloud. I'm feeling lonely. 

I don't have many friends. I have many acquaintances but I have very few friends. These are my friends, my family here in Kuala Lumpur (KL). It's terrible that I only get to see them once a week for only 4 hours. I miss them so bad through out the week. Sigh, it's even worse when they leave so fast after cell. It's like I don't have time to even talk to them or to just be in their presence. I feel it even more when my bros, Kit Soon and Wai Nyan leave. Just gone like that. Maybe I'm being a bit emotional and possessive. I know it's late and it's close to twelve midnight and people have classes and work to go to tomorrow. The considerate side of me is saying that they need their sleep. On the other hand, the selfish side of me screaming out for them to stay and keep me company. Am I being selfish in the first place? What if it's because certain of my own emotional need are not being met, causing me to feel so down and "desperate" in a certain sense. 

I've always been the social out cast in school. It was tough. I never could fit in and I never had that group of friends that everyone has and hangs out with, what more an inner circle? It took a heavy toll on me because I'm a person who is pretty deep and who shares deep personal stuff and observations. I mean I can be shallow but not for too long. After coming to KL it's like now I have friends! And a group of really close guy friends! Like wow man! As I dig deeper into these feelings, perhaps because of what has happened, how tough it was to gain friends, I now am pretty clingy with my current group of friends. This is bad. I mean till today I still find it hard to make friends. Sometimes I feel that I don't quite fit in and am socially awkward with my cell mates. Perhaps it is a matter of perception. Also as I said earlier, perhaps the social need of bonding is not being met. Cell is just too short a time to just, get close and stuff.

They say we have a God shape void. Am I mistaking this void to be the lack of friends? I don't know. I don't think so. Perhaps I need to remind myself that I am not alone and that Christ is always with me. I mean it is hard cause His presence isn't a physical one but I think it's in a sense an exercise of trust and faith. Maybe this feelings of yearning and pining for them are actually God given and beautiful. The longing for a group of people who truly care for you, who will point you to God, rebuke you when needed and love you. Also, I think I have to shake this feeling that I'm lonely and that there's no one around and just revel in the time we get to share with one another. Friendships with people have always been hard for me. People don't really realise it cause I'm this warm, happy person all the time but it is a struggle. However, God has sent me these amazing people into my life. Also, the fact that I'm able to make friends with these people, surely it must be of God. Just trusting Him that He will work things out and bring me the right people is something I should remember to do. Then, then I believe life will not be so hollow.

Till next time!

Dennis

Just Some Thoughts

Ok, so there's just been so much on my mind and stuff and I have so much to say and I wanna say it but it's all in my head and I don't know how to pen (or type them down for that matter) and I'm feeling kerfuffled and stuff and... and.. and.... Phew... breathe Dennis, breathe... inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale... Oi! Not so fast, do it slowly, try again. Innnhhhhaaaalllllleeeee, eeeexxxxxhhhhhaaaallllllleeeee... ah much better ok let's get started.

The last few weeks has been quite the emotional rollercoaster. So many things have been happening or had been happening without me knowing and know it's like things have popped up. Heartbreak and ache, feelings (the lovey dovey kind), uncertainty, frustration and apathy. Well not that it's all my emotions, it's just that my empathy enabling me to feel what my family/friends are going through. Maybe it's my "fault" for getting enthralled in all of these but I guess it's my way of caring. I sometimes feel like a signalman, seeing the big picture and where all the trains are and pulling levers and pushing buttons to keep the system running. It's hard to explain on a screen but truly it does feel that way. It can get tiring at time but I care for people that way so I don't complain.

Of everything thing that has been bothering or at least was bothering me was *drumroll* *cymbal crash* my friend Kit Soon. Now we're pally and stuff but over the last five months, his messages on Whatsapp has been becoming shorter, lacking as many emojis, or lacking in existence and it sometimes comes across as apathetic and a disinterest. KIT SOON! WHY? *sad face cry emoji* I mean we're pretty pally... ok maybe more than pally... He's definitely the closest guy friend I've ever had and I consider him my best friend. The greatest fear is that I, as a 180cm, 60.2kg guy, is appearing to throw myself at him. I mean I honestly love him a lot (oooo shay Dennis *sly side look emoji*) no, no nothing erotic if you're thinking of it that way *angry face emoji*. I really, really do love him as my own brother. I've never had a brother and always wanted an older one and like finally I have one. yes, I have told him so but I never really got a reply as to where he defines the relationship and it is eating into me so much! I was so so afraid that I was annoying him with me... But the other day, I did ask if he was alright and if I was annoying him and he replied that when he knows people are busy, he tend to restrain his messages. Phew, ok that helps explain a lot. He's been busy with exams and I'm prepping for mine so that's pretty settled. I just hope the relationship grows strong and doesn't die. Sometimes I feel so lost as to how to proceed cause like I've never really had any real guy friends. Just commit it to Jesus, Dennis, just commit it to Him. Ok settled.

I'm the kind of guy who has problems but will try to hold the fort by himself while helping others hold theirs too. I mean are there things i struggle with? Definitely. But I don't say... at least not to many people cause like my issues are huge honey, HUGE! And sometimes it gets frustrating that the people I open up to don't always "help" me. Maybe it's my own expectations that I need to get a hold on. But you see, for me, once you've shared, I will check with you on how things are and stuff. Maybe it's also because I've only really shared with guys... specifically two and well guys don't really check on people but if you need them they'll be there. It would be nice though if they could interact with the emotions from time to time and check on me. It can feel draining to open up and not get back anything in a certain sense. Probably for one I'm a brilliant concealor (self praise again Dennis) and so people don't see when I'm struggling. One thing though is that my motto for life is "People above self". I always put people on priority and so I put myself in the shadows. But it's ok. Love comes at a cost? I have to think more on that.

Well that's all for now, oh and a friend stumbled on my blog. So Flo, if you are reading this, do not, I said DO NOT say anything to anyone... specifically Kit Soon! XD But maybe someday... maybe someday he'll see what I think of him...

Dennis