The Silent Keeper

Yesterday I drove to the park near my house to exercise. "You could have just walked there Dennis if you wanted to exercise!" Well it's quite far to walk cause like there's quite a number of slopes to navigate to get to it. *awkward smile with sweat emoji* Anyway, I got there and as I was warming up, I could feel some rain drops on my arm. So, I hopped back in my car to wait out the rain. It sort of drizzled then stopped, then drizzled again, then stopped, and started again; it was like the weather couldn't decide what it wanted to do. Now while waiting, I saw this guy. Now he's Caucasian, I think younger than me and has a little brother. I'd reckon him to be in his mid to late teens while his brother is about 9-10ish, but let us get back to the older brother. I know his schedule, every Tuesday he will go to the park from 5-6pm to exercise and boy can he exercise. He is way way advanced in terms of what he can do on them bars. 

There was once when I drove by the park in driving rain and I saw him still straining on the pull up bars in the open. From this experience, I knew that the impending rain would not stop him from exercising. Immediately, I whipped out my phone to read up on first aid for lightning strike and shock victims. That way, should anything happen to him, I would know how to help him. Then it started to pour, really pour. I need to remind you dear reader that I live in Malaysia, a nation with a tropical climate with really heavy downpours. Soon I saw his little brother run off in the direction of their home but I did not see him follow. I tried to see if I could catch a view of him, but I couldn't. Thinking that he had sat down on one of the benches in the open, I started my car, made a U-turn and found a parking spot right nest to the park, ready to offer him shelter in my car even though he would be dripping wet. Lo and behold, he was doing crunches. So I let him be. One thing I did however was that everytime there was a flash of lightning, I would check to see if he was alright. In my mind, I was ready to drag him to safety and call the emergency services should anything occur. At one point, he was doing push-ups and a lightning bolt struck nearby. The subsequent loud crash caused him to loose his balance. I was stunned. Was he alright? He caught his breath and went back to his set. Oh, he's ok. I watched him till he finished his workout and left. All the while, he never realised that there was someone watching out for him ready to step in the moment he needed help.

After that, I felt God gently pointed out to me these observations. A lot of times in life, we struggle on our own (exercising), pushing on even in the midst of the storms of life (rain/lightning) and wondering, if not screaming out due to the lack of support and people. Interestingly, we do this all the while oblivious to the fact that there is someone watching over us and ready to step in at the first hint of trouble. That someone is God Himself. How oblivious we are that we are never alone in life's struggles. How many times we do not realise that He is there right next to us. At the same time, that someone could be a friend who truly cares for us. When we think that nobody on earth cares for us or is there for us, we may fail to notice the watchful pair of eyes over us.

Knowing that the maker of the universe watches over me and keeps me is such a comfort. How small am I, and yet, and yet He is here to guide me and keep me safe. Wow, just wow. At the same time, just as God watches out for me, I try to do that for others. I check up on them, I ask people how they are, and stalk their social media accounts, ready to render assistance when they need it. I like to see it as I'm like an eagle ready to swoop in and care for others. Just as I know I have a big eagle up there, with all my capacity as this frail, and small eagle, I will do my best to love and care for others.

Till next time!

Dennis

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7

Steel Magnolia

I've been told before that I'm too strong for myself. I was honestly shocked when I was told that. Considering the fact that this was said to me by a trained counselor, it must hold weight somehow. Contrary to that, I have always thought that I'm fragile. I get hurt easily and crushed at remarks. I don't shake things off easily. At least not as easily as I would like to be able to. As I reflect and think through these things, I come to the conclusion that I'm not as strong as people think I am and at the same time, I'm not as weak as people think I am.

I'm an ENFJ. What's that you say? An eeee-nuuuhhh-fffuuurrhh-jjeeehh? No, no, an E-N-F-J. It's my personality type according to the Meyers-Briggs personality test. ENFJ stands for Extravert, Intuitive, Feelings, Judgement. The thing about people like that, apparently, is that they have very thing psychological boundaries. This means that people with this personality get hurt easily, be it through commissions or omissions. Thinking back through past experiences... hurtful past experiences, I do get hurt easily. It's hard because generally speaking, guys call each other all kinds of names, usually in a joking manner but I TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! I mean why would you call someone something hurtful, even if it was meant as a joke? For this simple reason, I was shunned a lot by other guys because I would cry when these were said. This also led to even more hurtful names and labels like "girl" and "sensitive." Till this very day I still feel very judged and condemned at times with the things I say and do. For survival, I had to put up barriers. I had to create defense mechanisms to protect myself from being hurt. At least walls that would enable me to look fine till I could find a quite corner and just weep. As a result of this pain, I find it very tough to say anything crushing to anybody, Even constructive comments I make are rewritten and edited countless times before I send it to anyone. I just can't, as "normal" guys would put it, "shoot only." I can, I have this very destructive side of me but I can't, my personality and experiences usually out weigh the want to cut down. Just never upset the balance though. This is just one aspect of my weakness. I would sum it up that I am a weak person when it comes to myself.

Even with these internal crumblings, I don't mention them to anyone for the fear of being further judged or a burden. I have had to be strong in that sense, to hold my ground by myself. But more than that really, I can be strong for other people. If you need me, I will be there. I am that kind of friend who will drive in the middle of the night, though the driving rain and traffic (if there is traffic in the middle of the night =P) just to get to your home and comfort you. I would say that when you've experienced pain and loneliness, you never want anyone to have to feel the same thing. I can be a rock for other people. Strangely, when I help people in this sense, I get ministered to too. I find that God tends to impart something or speak into me whenever I am there for people. Yes, I am strong. I will be your support system in the toughest times.

It's been two and a half years since I was told that I'm too strong. Since then, I've opened up to people... at least beginning to open up. The two specific people would be the two very awesome guys Wai Nyan and Kit Soon. It's nice to know that should anything happen, I know I have these two guys who have my back. From this experience, I want others to have this comforting knowledge too that at least there will be at least one person for them at all times. I'm still figuring out this balance between being vulnerable and strong. Are the aspects I'm discussing noncomparable and different? I don't know. I guess I'm using multiple definitions and lumping them together. As I said, I'm still figuring this out but I know that a very good start has begun. I think a major take away from this would be that I am weak fro myself but i am strong for others. I'm just trusting God with this. I'm still figuring out myself but I know that whatever God has in store, it will be very good.

Till next time!

Dennis

A Parent's Artpiece

Being a parent is not easy. Not because of the amount of work and energy you need to take care of them but because of what you do with their lives, the people one shapes them to become. Of course energy and work is hard, but harder still is teaching a child the ways in which he or she should walk in. It's like slowly and lovingly creating a masterpiece stroke by stroke. The different colors and strokes all come together to form a beautiful artwork. The challenge is that every child enters he world as a blank sheet of paper. What the end picture looks like is in a certain sense thought out by the artist.

This blank sheet of paper has so much potential but the number of hours and effort needed to turn it into something beautiful is staggering. Every brush stroke, every twist of the handle forms another aspect of the child. But people being imperfect do make mistakes, accidentally damaging or staining the picture as they go along. Parents similarly make mistakes. These errors, if dealt with swiftly could be erased. However, there are some mistakes which are so damaging that they leave a mark on the artwork forever. These mistakes are both commissions and omissions. A stroke may go wrong both unintentionally and intentionally or neglect may cause the artwork to deteriorate. 

When I think of the responsibilities that parents hold, it scares me and yet leaves me in wonder. How one brings up a child determines the person he or she will become. Some may beg to differ as children do go astray from how their parents have brought them up to be. But a I listen to people share, I realise that even this "going astray" has to do with parents. From parents being overly strict, leading to rebellion, to parents not teaching their children about life, causing these young ones to make bad choices in life. I ask myself, would I be able to bring up my children well in future. Will I be able to ensure that they live lives that glorify and honor God? It's times like these that I feel so small and inadequate.

So how? How then can I ever be a parent? How can I teach my children about life and live out a good example? It''s tough.... very, very tough. But this I know, God's grace is sufficient. If I allow God to hold my hand as I paint, if I let God dictate how the artwork should look like, I know all will be well. When I make mistakes, I know my God will be able to help me rectify it. Every child is a blessing from Him. Every little baby is a gift. I know that God will give me the wisdom and knowledge to in a certain sense "handle/operate" His gift, my child/children will grow up alright. Most importantly, I need to continue putting God first and allowing Him to work in my own life now. As He shapes me to be the man He intends me to be, I know that it will be alright. I will be able to create a masterpiece glorifying my Maker. :)

Till next time!

Dennis

Something Beautiful

So yesterday was Valentine's day (I'm writing this on the 15th of February, 3.55pm GMT+8). It's always frustrating and annoying scrolling through social media on the days leading up to and the day itself. You'll read single people demeaning couples and promoting why being single is great, or people bemoaning their "single" relationship status. Sometimes, you also a "taken" person belittling single people. like come on humans?! Really? Like really? Geez man, if you're taken, you're taken, if you're single you're single! i don't understand why you have to make such a big fuss over... being hitched or not. 

Me? Well, I'm single, a bachelor. I love being single. I enjoy time by myself and doing things as a single person, without any relationship "commitments in that sense. But don't get me wrong here, I do want to get married. I do want to find that special someone to spend the rest of my life with and lavish all my love on. I do dream of waking up to a beautiful woman in my arms every morning. That very special woman. I can't really use words to describe exactly how I feel but it's a warm gushing kind of sensation. There is a tinge of excitement to it too. So yeah, even though I'm not dating now, I'm not desperate for someone to complete me. i think the issue is that a lot of people feel they need someone to complete them. I think that's wrong. You are complete as a person, but when you get married, it is the fusion of 2 complete being becoming a new and special person. :)

For now I see my days as a single man prepping for marriage and life as a husband and father. For example, I'm working out to build a body that is strong and big that my wife can snuggle up to every night, arms that will make her feel safe and legs that will be able to carry her. Also, I'm working out to build a figure my wife can be proud of. Now, I'm not saying that you need to look good for your spouse to feel proud of you. Character must always come first. The looks come as a topping. Speaking of character, trying to deal with my own issues and flaws before marriage, at least most of them cause you can't change that fast or easily. =P I'm also trying to clear my own baggage. One problem is that each person expects their spouse to help them carry their baggage without realising that their partners have personal baggage too. This leads to arguments as expectations are not met. I don't want that to happen hence I have started to sort out my problems. 

Marriage is something beautiful but working towards a beautiful marriage takes time. In fact, I believe it begins before we even meet that special someone. As God uses situations in life and people shape our lives, I believe it all does get us ready for matrimony. The change doesn't finish before marriage. It still goes on after marriage but knowing that God has a hand in it and keeping Him at the center of the relationship makes the transitions and change comforting I believe. Now don't get me wrong and think that marriage is the ultimate goal in life. It is not but it is one of the milestones and if not in a sense "accomplishments" in life. It is something one works towards. But if you live a life single forever, know that God's plan for you is the best you could ever have. Marriage is not everything. Trusting God is. the biggest "accomplishments" you could ever have is entering a deep relationship with Christ. Everything else will then fall in place, regardless whether you do get married in the end or not. I do want to get married but I don't know if I ever will. What I do know that with my life in Christ, I am secured and taken care of, and that is the most beautiful thing.

Till next time

Dennis

A Facade called Confidence

You know, I am someone who isn't as confident as he seems to be. A lot of people say that I'm super chill and calm when doing presentations and public speaking. I guess in that aspect, I am confident. Well you see, in those situations, I'm talking about an external topic. It's not about me; it's not about me as a person. It also has nothing to do with relationships and interactions with people. So yes, I am uncertain, awkward and terrified when it comes to relating with people (I see talking about me and opening up as a person as also interacting with people at a personal level).

I have been told that I'm a sassy person, a divo. Let me tell you, sassiness helps to hide fear, awkwardness and hurts. Essentially, it's a cover to the real me. At the same time, I am a great actor (self praise again Dennis!). In the sense that I'm great at making people think I'm alright and confident about life. Let me tell you, it's a show. Now it doesn't always happen that I hide true self but there are times when I feel it's necessary. I guess I fear being judged for who I am. That has happened all the time in school through out my teenage years and I don't want to be hurt again. 

No one, really no one would guess that I am a socially awkward person. Like I stalk people on social media so that I can profile them and discover topics of similar interest or just themes with which I can use as ammo when having a conversation with people. This helps to avoid awkward or tense moments which I hate so so much! I profile people to help me understand them and to be able to relate with them better.

The number one thing I have taken away from all these is that relationships are intentional. A lot of times we think that relationships are organic but I have come to realise that that is not the case. Good relationships are intentional but appear to be organic. So what does it mean to be intentional? Well so far I have discovered that it includes showing people love and care through their love languages, which are not necessarily the same as yours.

Confidence? As I said, when it comes to people, it takes effort to build up and muster. I'm still working on it. I'm trying to be as true and as real to myself when relating to people, I really am but there's that fear of rejection still niggling in my mind. I honestly have no idea how things will work out but I'm sure that as I walk with God, I will be able to deal with this aspect of my life with His help. 

Till next time!
Dennis

The White Flag Week

This week has been hard. I would sum it up as a week of feeling defeated. A week feeling defeated in my relationships with people. A week feeling crushed as a person. Well, at least I've not felt extremely down. In any case, it's still been a tough week. 

In my relationships with others, it feels like I don't exactly fit in. I guess it stems from the conversations I've had all week. Most of them have ended awkwardly or abruptly. It's like people just don't want to talk to you or have nothing to talk with you. It might just be a matter of perception but it isn't easy to overcome these feelings. Many people would say that I'm just being sensitive and overthinking stuff. I don't know. I feel like everyone has withdrawn from me. It's like everyone has lifted their side of the drawbridge and are either trying to have as little contact while remaining cordial or outright nasty.

As a human being, I feel like I'm not good enough. It's like I can't get anything right. I feel like a great failure. This stems from the fact that I've received a few reprimandings from people. It's been hurtful. While I may not agree with how things were put across to me, I know that the reasons are valid and understandable. Sigh... I feel extremely inadequate as a man, as a human, as a person. Oh man... It's times like that that I question myself, "What are you really good at Dennis? Are you even good at anything?" The only thing I know that I can give is care to other people but even then, sometimes I don't know how and it frustrates me that I can't even do something that I'm supposed to be best at! 

Through it all, I've just been hanging on to God. At least i try to remind myself to do so. Like I know without Him, I would be so gone. This week has taught me a little bit more about what it means to cling onto Christ. To really hold on and not let go. Psalms 42 has also been a comfort. In it, the psalmist asks himself why his soul is cast down and to hope yet again in God. The other thing that has touched my heart, helped bring healing this week, and given strength was a video called "The Invisible Woman." It's a short video clip about 5 minutes in length. In it, a woman speaks about how the things she does for others and her family often goes unnoticed. However, at the end of the day, God sees all that she does. All the sacrifices, no matter how big or small and the acts of care and service. This gives me a strong resolution to continue to care for people and to secretly and silently watch out for others, even at the expense of myself. Why? Because EVERY PERSON MATTERS.

Well so that's been my week. Hard, tough, painful. But yet again I will hope in God, my Rock and Savior. Does it mean that I'm alright and fine now? No. I'm still sorting this week out in my mind and dealing with the defeated feeling but I know that no matter what happens, I still have Jesus. It isn't always easy to see how it'll workout, even right now, but I'll just trust in Christ.

Till next time!

Dennis

Feeling solo

It's another one of those nights. I'm alone and loneliness lingers with me. I don't know who to call or talk to. I'm just so alone. Call your mum back home or call your friends you might say. Well they are busy people and they have their own families and friends. I just don't want to burden them. Like I seriously hate burdening people. They could be having a good time with their other friends, parents or siblings and I don't want to interrupt their quality time. They might even be busy with studies or work. I don't know. I want someone close but I don't want to create extra stuff to deal with. It's a terrible feeling. No lie at all.

I think one reason as to why I feel this way is because I feel that I'm treated as second rate by practically everyone. I am no one's priority. So if I'm not the friend person think of when they want to go out with someone, I better not throw myself on them. Aren't these assumptions Dennis? Well, I see it happening all the time. For example, at gatherings or meetings, I have to initiate a conversation before anyone will talk to me. The rest can just hit it off with each other. I'm not in an inner circle.

Well, I do have an inner circle. The thing is that I don't want to trouble them. It's 2 guys really. While they are the closest guy friends I have, I'm very uncertain if they consider me anything more than a casual friend. I mean they are both really great guys. They really do care for me and stuff but I know they are really busy. One's a dad to a 1 year old and another is a university student who is also still figuring out his own life. I mean do I have to load them with more stuff? I feel really bad if I do. It's not like they've said that, "Hey, if you ever need us, drop us a message!" They listen but you see the relationship in that sense hasn't been clearly defined as to when I can unload to them. I mean I love them very much. I seriously do. I don't have any brothers so to me they are like 2 older brothers. I guess they are typical guys who have the mentality that if you need us just holler. However, I can't, it's hard for me. I don't want to intrude!

Now here's the thing about me. Because I hate being treated as second choice, I always treat people like premier selection. On top of that I always tell people that I'm here for them. How mutual the feeling is is questionable. One struggle is that sometimes I feel my care is very one way, in the sense that I give my love and care to everyone but I don't get any back. All I need sometimes is a, "Hey, how was your day today?" 

It gets so lonely. Sometimes I just burst into tears due to loneliness. It hurts, it hurts because sometimes I feel that nobody cares and nobody is available. It's bad that I'm not a "Just suck it up and move on" kind of guy. Sigh... this is so frustrating.

Oh well I guess that's all for now!

Dennis

P.S. If you need someone to talk to just drop a comment! Like seriously, if you are lonely, I'll be here. =)