Tug of War

I feel like typing something here. Yet, I don't know. Like I mean it is honestly tiring to type and share yourself on the internet sometimes and yet you want your voice to be heard and yet it's exhausting sometimes. But let's see where this goes.

Alright, so how about the fact that I'm rightnow staring at this computer screen with a very empty feeeling inside. Well, that's a start I guess :/ . So yeah everyone's been commenting thatI've been looking really glum over the last few days. The truth is, I have been very glum. But I don't say anything because there isn't anyone to say anything to. It's like talking to people about your problems can be so exhausting sometimes. It's tiring to share your emotions and yet you want to. It's such a struggle inside. A battle. You want people to know and yet you don't want people to know. You want people to know and to comfort and care for you and then there's also the worry that after sharing, you don't get the comfort and care you expect them to give. That just makes you feel worse. Also you fear that you become "clingy" and "needy" in the person's eyes. You know, you don't want to be a burden.

It's terrible really. Right now, all I want is to snuggle up to someone who will just hold me close and say that "Everything's gonna be alright." and "I'll be here for you always." The thing is, there is no one todo that with. Clearly I'm talking about a guy cause like I feel a little strange to be doing that with a woman? Like I'm a guy so I should be the one who should be supporting the "weaker" sex more than they support me. Not to say that they can't support you but you know that there are somethings women will never understand and your problems can be way too big for them. Sigh. I hate this feeling of emptiness, of loneliness. It's so weird, like I want to act ok so that people won't ask questions and stuff and yet I want people to notice that I'm drowning inside. This is so conflicting.

Then there are people who listen but yet don't listen? Like they provide analyses of things which you know aren't true. All I want really is just a safe space to talk and a listening ear. Yet, I want feedback and still I reject feedback I do not like. Or do I? Maybe I don't actually reject things which I don't like hearing about but I reject them because I know that they aren't true. Like deep down inside you know what they said isn't the right analysis. Cause there are times when I'm talking to people who give sharp analyses which aren't necessarily pleasant and yet it reverberates inside. It's really a knowing. So yeah, I don't reject unpleasant stuff. I just reject them if I know the person is misreading the situation.

I don't know how long these feelings of ambiguity and ambivalence will last. I don't know how long I'll be this down. Only God knows and may He help me.

Dennis