This week has been hard. I would sum it up as a week of feeling defeated. A week feeling defeated in my relationships with people. A week feeling crushed as a person. Well, at least I've not felt extremely down. In any case, it's still been a tough week.
In my relationships with others, it feels like I don't exactly fit in. I guess it stems from the conversations I've had all week. Most of them have ended awkwardly or abruptly. It's like people just don't want to talk to you or have nothing to talk with you. It might just be a matter of perception but it isn't easy to overcome these feelings. Many people would say that I'm just being sensitive and overthinking stuff. I don't know. I feel like everyone has withdrawn from me. It's like everyone has lifted their side of the drawbridge and are either trying to have as little contact while remaining cordial or outright nasty.
As a human being, I feel like I'm not good enough. It's like I can't get anything right. I feel like a great failure. This stems from the fact that I've received a few reprimandings from people. It's been hurtful. While I may not agree with how things were put across to me, I know that the reasons are valid and understandable. Sigh... I feel extremely inadequate as a man, as a human, as a person. Oh man... It's times like that that I question myself, "What are you really good at Dennis? Are you even good at anything?" The only thing I know that I can give is care to other people but even then, sometimes I don't know how and it frustrates me that I can't even do something that I'm supposed to be best at!
Through it all, I've just been hanging on to God. At least i try to remind myself to do so. Like I know without Him, I would be so gone. This week has taught me a little bit more about what it means to cling onto Christ. To really hold on and not let go. Psalms 42 has also been a comfort. In it, the psalmist asks himself why his soul is cast down and to hope yet again in God. The other thing that has touched my heart, helped bring healing this week, and given strength was a video called "The Invisible Woman." It's a short video clip about 5 minutes in length. In it, a woman speaks about how the things she does for others and her family often goes unnoticed. However, at the end of the day, God sees all that she does. All the sacrifices, no matter how big or small and the acts of care and service. This gives me a strong resolution to continue to care for people and to secretly and silently watch out for others, even at the expense of myself. Why? Because EVERY PERSON MATTERS.
Well so that's been my week. Hard, tough, painful. But yet again I will hope in God, my Rock and Savior. Does it mean that I'm alright and fine now? No. I'm still sorting this week out in my mind and dealing with the defeated feeling but I know that no matter what happens, I still have Jesus. It isn't always easy to see how it'll workout, even right now, but I'll just trust in Christ.
Till next time!
Dennis
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